Family Circus Part 6: You Can't Spell Success Without PJ

PJ: You know I do feel bad for my brothers and sister, but I can't be held responsible for all their lives. I mean, I'll help when I can and I'll visit Jeffy when time allows, but if anybody thinks that I'm going to provide for the entire family well, they're sadly mistaken.

The youngest member of this family circus, PJ, managed to avoid most of the damage that his dad's career inflicted on his siblings. Strong and silent, PJ avoided being made the butt of his dad's public jokes, and once he graduated from college broke off from his father completely. He hasn't spoken to Bil in over 15 years.

Billy: I don't even know what PJ would have to say to dad. I know he was hurt by what he saw dad putting the rest of us through, and if those horrors helped make him a success to today, then I'm glad one good thing has come out of all of this.

PJ went to LA after graduating first in his class from North Dakota State University with a double major in film and chemistry. He had taught himself to play the guitar and formed a band in LA called "The Family Circus Experience". Although PJ took the band seriously fans and critics didn't, most of them going to concerts expecting to hear him say something cute or stupid. After the band broke up he realized his future would be behind the camera and not on screen.

His first film project- "Cider House Rules II: Farewell to the Flesh"- was a critical, if not commercial, success. Along with the film, PJ also helped mix some of the cuts for the soundtrack. His work with some musical luminaries opened even more doors for the young prodigy.

Method Man: Yo, PJ is a bloodclot boy genius. Forget about making music, 

werd we know he can do that. But the boyz real skill is bringing in the chedda. Working on that project put some real scrilla in my pockets, tical. I mean, he had a tie in for the movie with McDonald's and a tie in for the soundtrack with Burger King. I mean, dog actually pulled that shit off! From then on , any project my boy pitched, I'd sign up on.

And so PJ built a multimedia empire that allowed him to create art limited only by his imagination. And Method Man wasn't exaggerating on the amount of scrilla PJ was bringing in. Finally, he would be able to live a life he had only dreamed about, beautiful women, fast cars, hunting humans for sport on his own private island, it was all real and it was all his. Finally PJ,the little boy who wanted to get away, has discovered that life is more than a family circus.

Family Circus Part 5: Alas Poor Jeffy, I Knew Him Well

Shunned as a retard by people nationwide, Jeffy fled to the one place in America where a freak could fit in, San Francisco. He met up and coming comic sensation Carrot Top and became a member of the comedian's inner circle, along with Burt Reynolds. It was this friendship that would lead to the greatest tragedy of the "Family Circus"- The Castro Incident.

Carrot Top: Hey man, I don't like to talk about that shit. Its all in the court records, I had nothing to do with any of that.

What Carrot Top claims to have nothing to do with is the murder of Eduardo Pena, a male prostitute who worked the Castro district of San Francisco. It was a chilly April evening and Jeffy and Carrot Top had spent the night drinking and popping pills with Reynolds.

Carrot Top: Yea man, we were out that night. We were at Reynolds' place. Jeffy used to like to buy bags of pills, just mixed and matched, and he'd just take a handful, all different colors and shapes, and he'd wash it down with a bottle of Old Crow. We'd never know what we had or what would happen, but that night....'Whew' that was rough.

According to police reports the binge almost killed Reynolds. He told the two younger men that he was going to bed and if they wanted to party, they were going to have to leave. They decided to satisfy their sexual appetites.

Jeffy: See, this is the thing. Carrot Top insists that we head down to Castro and pick up a boy. Now, you ask anybody ANYBODY, and they'll tell you that guys ain't Jeffy's thing. Carrot Top, I swear, every time he got messed up he'd get a hankerin' for some man flesh. And me? I'd just go along for the ride, ya know? Doing something just to have something to do.

According to police reports the two picked Pena up at 2:30 in the morning. The police found the body at 6:20. In between is a hazy maze of accusations, innuendo and murder.

Jeffy: Carrot Top killed that boy. There is no doubt in my mind that he killed him. Of course, I was in a drug induced fog and don't remember anything. So here I sit.

"Here" is the Souldad Correctional Facility. According to statements taken from Carrot Top, Jeffy killed Pena after the boy recognized him from the "Family Circus" and insisted that Jeffy "put some snow on him".

Carrot Top: Jeffy just lost it man, and went buckwild on the kid. That's the honest to God truth.

Next Week: You Can't Spell Success Without PJ

Last Week: A Dolly By Any Other Name

Family Circus Part 4: A Dolly By Any Other Name...

It was the middle children in the Keane family who were most profoundly affected by their father's work. Dolly, the lone girl among the children had nobody to turn to when she needed to talk about her problems while Jeffy, who looked much dumber in the comic than any of the other children. While PJ has turned his anger towards a successful career and Billy has managed to overcome the humiliation of childhood to become the manager of the third largest Payless Shoe Source in Parma, Ohio the middle children have been overwhelmed by their childhood memories.

Dolly: Dad always made Jeffy come off like an idiot. Like in the 'Snow' cartoon. I mean, Jeffy is only 4 at the time and dad is busting his nutz about calling Parmesan cheese 'snow'. Sure it was cute, but when Jeffy's friends

took him out for his 19th birthday and the waiter asked him if he wanted 'snow' on his pasta it wasn't so funny. Of course, dad never wrote one about the time Jeffy caught him and mom snorting coke and asked if he could try their snow. Looking back, I wish I could've helped, but damn, I had my own problems to deal with.

To deal with her problems Dolly turned rebellious, smoking pot for the first time at 12, she became know as the type of girl who would do anything. During her freshman year of high school she made out with Lucy Van Pelt in the boys locker room for $15. The girls claim it was no big deal.

Lucy: It wasn't a big deal, really. We were just two girls who were looking for somebody who loved us for us. Most people don't understand, and really, if you've never been famous you don't know. Our home lives are nothing when it comes to love, and your fame really just intimidates others. Look at Schroeder, he'd never give me the time of day. So one day Dolly and I are talking, and getting pretty down about ourselves, when Peppermint Patty and Marcie come by. And they tell us, we don't need love or approval from some man, we have all the love we could ever need right here.

But Dolly was perhaps beyond saving, her high school years were a blur of alcohol and drug abuse and make out parties in Peppermint Patty's basement. She was living on the streets and eating out of the garbage until FOX signed her for their new show, "Celebrity Girls Gone Wild on Spring Break."

Dolly: You know, it isn't the greatest job in the world, but it pays the bills and puts food on the table. Plus it has opened up other opportunities. I've already gotten calls from Cinemax to star in "The Family Sex Circus", a project that will let me tell my side of the story, in a soft core pornographic setting.

Next Week: Alas Poor Jeffy, I Knew Him Well

Last Week: It Ain't Easy Growing Up In the Funny Papers

Family Circus Part 3: It Ain't Easy Growing Up In The Funny Papers

Billy: Yea, it was difficult, the way we grew up. You can imagine it's hard enough when your parents are drug abusing swingers, well imagine if everything you say or do is sent out for the world to judge. I mean, some of it is stuff that everybody does, but everybody doesn't know they did it. You know? Like I'll go into school and a punch of punks will pin me down and start punching me in the stomach yelling 'Its a BUNK bed you idiot!', because dad thought that was a cute moment of my life. I'm sure grandparents nationwide thought it was hilarious, but at school, it just made me out to be a dork.

The children spent most of their childhoods in a silent angst, hoping not to say something stupid that would end up in the papers the next morning. It was so bad that little PJ didn't speak until he came home from college over Thanksgiving break his freshman year. But perhaps that was the best option, of the four children, PJ is the only one most would consider "successful"- he owns his own movie production company, PJWorks, and his own record label, PJams.

PJ: Yea, it was hard growing up. My first memories were of Jeffy screaming at dad that he had made him look stupid. Dad would say something like "Oh son, it's just cute", but Jeffy was mad as hell and he'd throw the biggest fits. Mom just stood there and watched. I mean, what could she do? Dad's comics put food on the table, I understood that, but of course, Dad wasn't putting stupid shit I had said in the papers for the nation, and neighborhood bullies, to read.

As the children grew older, the comic became harder and harder to complete. King Features Syndicate nixed a series Bil had done after he had 'the talk' with Billy. Bil tried later with some panels about Dolly's first period, but again those strips were turned down by the syndicate.

Billy: Yea, thank God for the syndicate! Dad had a whole series of cartoons based around questions I asked when he told me about the birds and the bees. I remember the first time I got an erection, I ran into the living room as proud as can be to show everybody. He actually had the cartoon drawn up with me in the living room surrounded by the family yelling "Daddy, Daddy, I got a boner!", I mean, can you imagine that in the paper? And then the stuff with Dolly, I still can't believe he tried to get that printed! I know it never ran in the papers, but Dolly saw them and had a breakdown, right there in the den. It was after that incident that she really got into hard drugs.

Next week: A Dolly By Any Other Name

Last Week: Mommy And Daddy Have A Secret

The Real American Tribunal Judgement Against Obama

The Tribunal court of Real Americans has returned today with its judgement against President Obama.  On this day the 12th of May in the year 2009 Barack Hussein Obama has been tried and found guilty of the following crimes, committed against the people of the United States.

*Created an illegal personal security force, the Secret Service.  This modern day S.S. operates outside of military and police protocol, serving as a private army/hit squad for Obama.

*Uses elitist "dijon" mustard as a condiment even when American mustards are available.  Then used his power over the media to cover up the fact that he enjoys dijon mustard- a spicy condiment only preferred by most Americans.

*Rides around the capitol in a chauffeur driven limousine.  At the tax payer's expense of course.

*Hitleresque public speaking ability.

*Celebrated the National Day of Prayer by merely signing a proclamation that all Americans should pray rather than forcing all Americans to pray, to Jesus, at gun point.

*Flies around the world in an aircraft he has arrogantly christened "Air Force One".  The people are starving and King Obama flies around in luxury!

*Ignores the legitimate complaints of Joe The Plumber who simply wants the government to increase defense spending, continue providing medicare and medicaid, keep funding the public school system and save countless jobs lost due the recession.  All while cutting taxes for working class families.

* Increased defense spending, continued to fund medicare, medicaid, and worked on helping public education while trying to save countless jobs lost due the recession.  Cut taxes for working class families then engaged in Socialist class warfare by raising taxes slightly for the wealthiest Americans.

*Allowed the National Debt to double from 2000-2008

Sentencing for President Obama's crimes has been set for November 6th, 2012.

Family Circus Part 2: Mommy And Daddy Have A Secret

Bil and Thel had always led a destructive lifestyle together and it was hoped by close family members that the "Butthole" comic would have scared them straight, but that hope was never realized as success brought with it temptation. At the 1960 Comic Awards Bil received the "Comeback Artist of the Year" award and afterwards he went with Thel to paint the town red.

It was during this celebration that Thel and Bil, already high on coke, wandered into a pub for a drink. Inside they ran into comic legend Andy Capp who bought a round to celebrate Bil's return to mainstream comic stardom. He also introduced the couple to the sordid sexual appetites of the comic underground. Mr. Capp and his wife and been "swinging" with several other comic stars, including Elly and John Patterson from "For Better or For Worse", Rex Morgan M.D. and Mary Worth.

Mr. Capp: Well, I'd be lying if I told you I didn't have an itch for Thel, that is one hot tart. And, well, knowing their past I figured I'd bring up our little group, I mean, who wouldn't want to give Ol' Thel a bit o' how's yer father, if you get my drift, eh? eh? Know what I mean. But really, it was no big deal, everybody was doing it back then, so nobody really paid no mind. Until that night.

"That night" that Mr. Capp refers to is May 13th 1961. The Keane's had met with Hiram Flagston and his wife Betty, stars of the comic "Hi and Betty", an incredibly popular comic of the 60's in the same family life niche as the "Family Circus". The couples had rented rooms at Caesar's Palace in Las Vegas for the purpose of swinging. Bil went to one room with Betty and Thel went off with Hiram. Tragedy struck when a sex chair Bil and Betty were using collapsed, Betty hit her head and died instantly. A panicked Bill ran next door to get his wife and Hiram.

Mr. Flagston refused a chance to speak with us on camera about the incident and the Keane's have a long standing policy of not discussing their swinger past. However, an anonymous source at King Features Syndicate tells us that the panicked threesome took the body out to the desert and buried it. When they came back to town they tried to mask any guilt with heavy use of narcotics and alcohol. Hiram even married a showgirl named Lois who would eventually take Betty's place in the strip.

It was this wedding that raised flags with Las Vegas police about the missing Mrs. Flagston. Rumors flew around town and a police investigation was opened. Knowing that Keane's career could not afford another scandal, King Features Syndicate stepped in and paid off the Las Vegas police. The official cause of Betty's death? Murder.

The death was a wake up call for Bil and Thel, there was no way they could keep up with this lifestyle. They worried about their own health and the affect their behavior would have on their children. It might have been too late, as their children had already carried those scars through their formative years and their futures would be profoundly affected by the childhood they lived in the funny pages.

Next Week: It Ain't Easy Growing Up In The Funny Papers

Last Week: Behind The Laughter

Obama Socialism Update: Crisis!

Attention God fearing Americans.  The Interactive Gang Bang in conjunction with The Glenn Beck Show have updated the Obama Socialism Level.  The threat has been upgraded from "Orange: Imminent" to "Red: Crisis".

What does a red OSL mean to the average American?

*Tax Rates for white Americans to be raised to 110%

*Government seizure of all businesses, property and children.

*Boots Riley to be named Secretary of Treasury

*Satire, thought and tea bags declared illegal

What should you be doing?  The Bang recommends:

*Sell all assets and invest in saffron

*Stock up on poster board and Magnum brand markers. Remember, for a sign to be effective it must make little or no sense at all

*Learn Chinese

*Hold out until the next election.  Remember, a crippling national debt is only bad when it is run up by a Democrat!

*Synchronize watches.  Head to Cheney's undisclosed location.

*Pray.  But to a real God.  Not Thor or Hercules.