The Interactive Gang Bang

President's Day Sketchtacular

2011-02-17T12:29:00.000-05:00

Members of the Wu Prov Academy discuss what they learned while working on the President's Day Sketchtacular. Check it out Monday Feb 21st at 8pm at The Southern. More info at www.wuprov.com

The Wu Prov Academy Presents:
President's Day Sketchtacular
Monday Feb 21th
at The Southern Cafe & Music Hall
Charlottesville, VA
Doors open at 7pm Tickets $3

President's Day Sketchtacular

2011-02-06T14:20:00.001-05:00

Members of the Wu Prov Academy discuss their President's Day Sketchtacular. Today they imagine sexual acts named after presidents.

The Wu Prov Academy Presents:
President's Day Sketchtacular
Monday Feb 21th
at The Southern Cafe & Music Hall
Charlottesville, VA
Doors open at 7pm Tickets $3

President's Past Professions

2011-02-03T12:38:00.002-05:00

Our friends over at Career Overview are psyched about the upcoming President's Day Sketchtacular and were nice enough to send over a link to a Presidential list of unusual former jobs. Enjoy.

President's Day Sketchtacular

2011-02-03T12:13:00.002-05:00

Members of the Wu Prov Academy discuss their reasons for putting together a President themed sketch comedy show.

The Wu Prov Academy Presents:
President's Day Sketchtacular
Monday Feb 21th
at The Southern Cafe & Music Hall
Charlottesville, VA
Doors open at 7pm Tickets $3

President's Day Sketchtacular

2011-02-02T09:18:00.002-05:00

President's Day Sketchtacular

2011-02-01T16:29:00.003-05:00

Members of the Wu Prov Academy discuss their President's Day Sketchtacular. Today they imaging sexual acts named after presidents.

The CEO Sketch

2011-02-01T16:17:00.001-05:00

Sketch from the Wu Prov Academy's Sketch-O-Matic show at Mary Baldwin College.

Crackers of Comedy Come to Charlottesville

2011-01-29T15:46:00.001-05:00

The Crackers of Comedy Tour is an Underground Indie Comedy Tour based out of the Southeast United States. The tour will take comedians Matt Ward and Joe Pettis over 3,000 Miles to 18 different cities over 20 days starting on Friday Feb 18th in Wilmington, North Carolina and ending on March 8th in Greenville, SC. Along the way the duo will share the stage with comedians from each city they visit. No Agents, No Big Budget, just two comedians, one Toyota Corolla and lots of laughs and mayhem along the way.

Joining Joe and Matt for the evening are Charlottesville comics Jim Zarling and Leah Woody.

The Charlottesville Comedy Roundtable Presents:
The Crackers of Comedy Tour
Sunday Feb 27th
at The Southern Cafe & Music Hall
Charlottesville, VA
Doors open at 7pm Tickets $7

Comedy 'Ville 28: Happy Days, The Novel

2010-12-11T13:05:00.002-05:00

Jason Propst stops by to talk about George Bush, NASCAR and Boardwalk Empire. Also an excerpt from my new novel based on the television show "Happy Days".

Comedy 'Ville 27: Jon Rice

2010-11-22T15:08:00.001-05:00

Charlottesville's Jon Rice stops by to talk about local politics and who really is the most like Hitler.

Comedy 'Ville 26: Wasteful Government Spending

2010-11-18T09:56:00.002-05:00

Johnny Mac stops by the studios to talk about wasteful government spending. Did you know that when Obama tours the country to spread socialism you pay for it!

Comedy 'Ville 25: Ty Cooper

2010-11-10T11:43:00.001-05:00

Ty Cooper stops by the stuidios to discuss the National Stand Up Comedy Tour he is bringing to Charlottesville. Listen in to find out how to win free tickets.

Proverb Of The Week

2010-11-05T09:05:00.001-04:00

When life hands you nothing, make nothingade.

Comedy 'Ville 24: Charlottesville Mayor Norris

2010-11-04T10:16:00.000-04:00

Comedy 'Ville's Mayor Zarling sits down to talk with Chalrottesville's Mayor Norris. The recent elections, green initiatives and traffic lights are among the topics of conversation.

Episode 23: Boardwalk Empire Defended

2010-10-28T09:47:00.001-04:00

Comic Jason Probst joins me to discuss Boardwalk Empire. He "likes" it and thinks it is "brilliant". I disagree.

Episode 22: Boardwalk Empire Sucks!

2010-10-18T14:59:00.001-04:00

Host Jim Zarling discusses how HBO screwed up Boardwalk Empire

Comedy 'Ville 21- Joe Biden Can Suck It

2010-10-08T14:56:00.001-04:00

Jim talks about Joe Biden and comedy contests:

Comedy 'Ville Episode 20: Brad Foster

2010-10-01T19:17:00.002-04:00

Brad Foster stops by to talk about the F-Bomb Festival and the Rocky Top Comedy Contest.

Comedy 'Ville 19 f/Blake Wilding

2010-09-28T09:21:00.002-04:00

Blake Wilding stops by to talk about kitties, poetry and organ transplants.

Comedy 'Ville 18- Fbomb Festival and NFL

2010-09-11T09:32:00.002-04:00

Kenny Wingle stops by to talk about the Fbomb Comedy Festival and David Straughn gives us his NFL preview.

Comedy Ville Episode 17: Bill Metzger

2010-09-04T09:17:00.003-04:00

We invite Bill Metzger to the studio to talk about comedy, instead he waxes nostalgic about his time at UVA and how awesome it was to drop out of school.

Comedy 'Ville #16: Sex Ed Videos

2010-09-02T12:18:00.002-04:00

Nate Wootten, Blake Wilding and Nick Noe join Jim Zarling for a discussion about the state of Virginia's Sex Ed video collection.

Comedy 'Ville Episode 15: Ruth Morton

2010-08-28T13:53:00.002-04:00

Comedian, actress, improviser Ruth Morton stops by to talk about everything...

Comedy 'Ville Episode 14

2010-08-20T21:12:00.002-04:00

Johnny Mac stops by to talk about his trip to the Festival Fringe in Scotland and Todd Lawson discusses the power behind the people in power.

Comedy 'Ville Episode 13

2010-08-16T09:36:00.001-04:00

This week's panel- Nate Wootten, Blake Wilding and Nick Noe- discuss social networking sites, why vacations suck and Virginia's Sex Ed videos.

Comedy 'Ville Episode 12

2010-08-07T08:18:00.000-04:00

Jason Probst, Aaron Gilley and Wendy Repass stop by to talk about Brett Favre, Marshall Mathers, marriage, gay marriage and toaster marriage.

New Podcast: Comedy Panel

2010-08-02T09:59:00.001-04:00

Comedy 'Ville Episode 10: Kenny Wingle & Julian Close plus the C'ville Weekly calls

2010-07-24T10:51:00.001-04:00

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New Comedy 'Ville Podcast

2010-07-17T10:40:00.001-04:00

Comic James Paulk and covert expert Todd Lawson chat with me on the latest episode of Comedy 'Ville:

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Comedy 'Ville Podcast

2010-07-17T08:35:00.001-04:00

Check out Episode 8 f/ Blake Midgette, Jack Rakes and Brad Foster:

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Top 5: Everyday Americans Love Sarah Palin's Hand Job

2010-03-06T21:56:00.005-05:00

Recently there has been quite a hullabaloo about Sarah Palin going into an interview with notes written on her hand. The liberal elites, of course, are all over this, mocking Palin for resorting to the lame tactics of a C student who failed to study for a test. As usual the liberal elites have missed the point because they don't understand that Palin isn't trying to reach them, she is trying to reach real Americans.

So why does this work? How does Palin's HAND-icap make her a winner with real Americans in a way that liberal elites can't grasp? Sounds like a top 5:

5) The Hand Job Provides Relief- Everyday Americans like Palin. She seemed like somebody they'd want to go to church with, have a BBQ with, watch The Biggest Loser with. Liberal Elites don't understand the desire Americans have for that kind of connection.

But there was always a nagging suspicion that she was too dumb. Evaday Amerikinz suffered through that with Bush so a sigh of relief was let out once it was discovered that she could at least spell.

4) She's Cutting Taxes, Not The Budget- Whew! Americans of the Everyday variety really dodged a bullet here. Can you imagine, cutting the amount of money you're spending? INSANITY! The real answer to the deficit is to cut the amount of money we're making.

3) It's Comforting- She has her core beliefs written on her hand! How comforting and reassuring is that? Where does a liberal elite keep his core beliefs? Etched in his identity?

2) She's Not Showing Us Up With High Falutin' Technology- You know, everytime Obama comes out with his teleprompter it is a huge slap in the face to Evaday 'Mericans. We struggle through our daily lives having to think about what we say next. We don't have no fancy pants screen that tells us what to say. And who is controlling the teleprompter? How do we know Brezhnev and Satan aren't in hell feeding words right into Obama's mouth.

Not our girl Sarah, she uses technology we all use- pens. Then, to prove how much of a Ev-day 'Merkin she is, she forgoes paper and writes on her hand. And unlike the teleprompter we don't have to worry about who is putting the words there. I mean... I assume she's the only one writing on her hand.

1) That's How The Bible Was Written- That's right, the Bible was written on hands. Not only did Moses painstakingly record everything he was doing in the desert, he did it on his hand. That's why he had to stay in the dry heat. Too much humidity and the greatest story ever told would've blurred away to history.

And if the hand is good enough the Holy Word of God then it is good enough for Sarah Palin.

You know what was written on paper? Mein Kampf. You know who uses a teleprompter? Obama. I don't think I have to say anything else.

But in case I do- OBAMA IS HITLER!

My Super Bowl Movement

2010-02-07T10:54:00.001-05:00

ok, so i hafta make this quick and squeeze my Super Bowl pick in between driveway shoveling shifts.

after many many MANY hours of football analysis over the past two weeks, i've noticed that this is basically the coronation as Peyton Manning being the greatest quarterback of all time. while i do not deny his ability, i feel that this could be a bit preemptive. the guy is playin outside what seems to be a relatively windy day in south beach. it's not like he's back in the dome.

i feel at the same time, the saints are being a bit overlooked as well. this is a team that beat both Kurt Warner and Brett Farve in the same postseason trip. they know how to deal pressure to the upper echelon of quarterbacks in this league. speaking of, they have one of their own in Drew Brees, who is probably know for his preparation as much as Manning is. both are incredibly proficient students of the game. without saying, this will be one of the most offensively compelling Super Bowls in quite sometime.

now let's talk defense. and lemme go back to Peyton Manning. ' but DVS, he's a QB' you're sayin to yourself. i don't doubt that the Saints' defense will be able to get to Manning, but he's not gonna turn the ball over. he's not Warner who holds on to the ball forever and a day, and he's not Farve, who is destined to throw an interception in a clutch moment. he'll see the blitz, and if there's no Dallas Clark to dump it off to, he'll clutch the ball and dive into the turf. he'll take the sack, but also he'll keep the ball from being turned over. this is a form of defense. this is also a form of stifling opposing defense as well. the number of turnovers (especially by Manning) will determine the outcome of this game, NOT the number of touchdowns either quarterback throws.

my pick is the Colts by 10. this is in no disrespect to Drew Brees or the Saints' offense. i would hafta agree with Darren Sharper, that if you were to put Peyton as the #1 OB out now, Brees would hafta be #1B. he's just as accurate, knows every square inch of his playbook, and is just as tough (if not more) than Manning. but Brees has been known to lose the ball and throw a pick or two, and be resilient enough to take back the game. but when you lose to teams like Tampa Bay and Carolina so late in the season, that flashes a red light in my mind. also, this is team that you cannot afford to make mistakes against.

the end-all, be-all: Colts win 41-31. and i think Freeney's faking it. nice flip-flops.

Bowl Season Bitches!!

2010-01-05T10:45:00.005-05:00

Word up peeps. It that time of the year, the best time of the year.

NFL Bowl Time.

Being the gracious blogger that I am, I'll give you my picks. Get your bets in early.

TBS Bowl
Pittsburgh 9-7 vs Denver 8-8: All those Bowl system naysayers should remember the TBS Bowl next time they clamor for a playoff system. The NFL isn't about declaring a champion. It's about the pageantry, splendor and spectacle of games like the TBS Bowl. I like the Steelers although Denver could be motivated for what might be their last game with Brandon Marshall. A last game, mind you, that wouldn't be possible without the bowl system.

Chef Boyardee Freedom Bowl
Tennessee 8-8 vs Houston 9-7: Awesome, Awesome match up. Again, playoff proponents, why would you be against this? Another chance to see the electrifying Vince Young! Against the Houston Texans to boot, as if Young himself wasn't spectacle enough. Young and the Titans win a game that goes to 11 on the pageantry scale.

North Dakota Bowl
New Orleans 13-3 vs Baltimore 9-7: Let the flood of mail begin. But before you send me anything let me reiterate I don't make the BCS rules! Look the NFC South champion does not get an automatic bid to the Championship Series. That sucks. I agree. But the NFL has made provisions for NFC South teams to earn their way into the championship. It is not their fault you lost your defacto playoff games in the regular season.

Baltimore by two touchdowns.

Larry Flint Presents: Barely Legal.com Bowl
Arizona 10-6 vs Cincinnati 10-6: The Granddaddy of them all, the overwhelming spectacle that is the Larry Flint Presents: Barely Legal.com Bowl. Chad Ochocinco, true grit, passion and appreciation of pageantry vs Kurt Warner, in what could be his final game. In the end the CIncy defense overcomes any sentiment on the Cardinals side. Bengals, in a rout.

Mid-State Office Supply Snapdragon Bowl:
Carolina 8-8 vs San Francisco 8-8: Smashmouth football at its best. There is no love or pageantry lost in this contest. This is going to be a huge treat for the fans- when Carolina takes on the 49ers, the only loser is the team with less points.

And that will be San Francisco.

Meaning I'm picking Carolina.

And now, the big games, the games we've been waiting our entire lives to watch. The Bowl Championship games.

Henderson's Pork Cracklins Bowl brought to you by Citi
Philadelphia 11-5 vs Atlanta 9-7: Not the greatest of the Championship match ups, but this one will be special for one very big reason, Chris Berman. This is the last game he will ever broadcast and America will sorely miss his witty nicknames. So Chris, give us one last Michael "Mother" Tucker for the road.

As for my pick, who cares!? Chris Berman!

The Frito Lay Trump Bowl
Green Bay 11-5 vs Dallas 11-5: There is nothing more pageantental than Donald Trump singing the national anthem, introducing the players, flipping the coin and then kicking off to open up the bowl game that bears his name. Green Bay wins on a trick play sent down from the luxury suites by Donald Trump.

The Technotron Office Systems Nashville City Council Bowl to Promote Tourism in Nashville
Minnesota 12-4 vs San Diego 13-3: Again, Charger fans, do not write me to complain about not being in the title game. It is not my call. And remember- defacto playoff. Sit back, enjoy the pageantry and watch your team win by two touchdowns.

If "your team" is Minnesota.

Capitol One/Citi Bank Classic brought to you by Cialis Lombardi Bowl
Indianapolis 14-2 vs New England 10-6: Some might say the Patriots don't belong here but New England is a dynasty. All the pageantry in the world won't help the Colts beat the Patriots. New England pulls out all the stops and wins in a route.

Well, that wraps it up- another NFL season finishes up with the Pats earning the title World Champs. Sure the system is fraught with problems and controversy, but isn't that why we watch sports to begin with? Man competes to argue the question "Who is the best?", not to actually answer that question.

Family Circus Part 6: You Can't Spell Success Without PJ

2009-06-05T10:50:00.001-04:00

PJ: You know I do feel bad for my brothers and sister, but I can't be held responsible for all their lives. I mean, I'll help when I can and I'll visit Jeffy when time allows, but if anybody thinks that I'm going to provide for the entire family well, they're sadly mistaken.

The youngest member of this family circus, PJ, managed to avoid most of the damage that his dad's career inflicted on his siblings. Strong and silent, PJ avoided being made the butt of his dad's public jokes, and once he graduated from college broke off from his father completely. He hasn't spoken to Bil in over 15 years.

Billy: I don't even know what PJ would have to say to dad. I know he was hurt by what he saw dad putting the rest of us through, and if those horrors helped make him a success to today, then I'm glad one good thing has come out of all of this.

PJ went to LA after graduating first in his class from North Dakota State University with a double major in film and chemistry. He had taught himself to play the guitar and formed a band in LA called "The Family Circus Experience". Although PJ took the band seriously fans and critics didn't, most of them going to concerts expecting to hear him say something cute or stupid. After the band broke up he realized his future would be behind the camera and not on screen.

His first film project- "Cider House Rules II: Farewell to the Flesh"- was a critical, if not commercial, success. Along with the film, PJ also helped mix some of the cuts for the soundtrack. His work with some musical luminaries opened even more doors for the young prodigy.

Method Man: Yo, PJ is a bloodclot boy genius. Forget about making music,

werd we know he can do that. But the boyz real skill is bringing in the chedda. Working on that project put some real scrilla in my pockets, tical. I mean, he had a tie in for the movie with McDonald's and a tie in for the soundtrack with Burger King. I mean, dog actually pulled that shit off! From then on , any project my boy pitched, I'd sign up on.

And so PJ built a multimedia empire that allowed him to create art limited only by his imagination. And Method Man wasn't exaggerating on the amount of scrilla PJ was bringing in. Finally, he would be able to live a life he had only dreamed about, beautiful women, fast cars, hunting humans for sport on his own private island, it was all real and it was all his. Finally PJ,the little boy who wanted to get away, has discovered that life is more than a family circus.

Family Circus Part 5: Alas Poor Jeffy, I Knew Him Well

2009-06-01T11:05:00.005-04:00

Shunned as a retard by people nationwide, Jeffy fled to the one place in America where a freak could fit in, San Francisco. He met up and coming comic sensation Carrot Top and became a member of the comedian's inner circle, along with Burt Reynolds. It was this friendship that would lead to the greatest tragedy of the "Family Circus"- The Castro Incident.

Carrot Top: Hey man, I don't like to talk about that shit. Its all in the court records, I had nothing to do with any of that.

What Carrot Top claims to have nothing to do with is the murder of Eduardo Pena, a male prostitute who worked the Castro district of San Francisco. It was a chilly April evening and Jeffy and Carrot Top had spent the night drinking and popping pills with Reynolds.

Carrot Top: Yea man, we were out that night. We were at Reynolds' place. Jeffy used to like to buy bags of pills, just mixed and matched, and he'd just take a handful, all different colors and shapes, and he'd wash it down with a bottle of Old Crow. We'd never know what we had or what would happen, but that night....'Whew' that was rough.

According to police reports the binge almost killed Reynolds. He told the two younger men that he was going to bed and if they wanted to party, they were going to have to leave. They decided to satisfy their sexual appetites.

Jeffy: See, this is the thing. Carrot Top insists that we head down to Castro and pick up a boy. Now, you ask anybody ANYBODY, and they'll tell you that guys ain't Jeffy's thing. Carrot Top, I swear, every time he got messed up he'd get a hankerin' for some man flesh. And me? I'd just go along for the ride, ya know? Doing something just to have something to do.

According to police reports the two picked Pena up at 2:30 in the morning. The police found the body at 6:20. In between is a hazy maze of accusations, innuendo and murder.

Jeffy: Carrot Top killed that boy. There is no doubt in my mind that he killed him. Of course, I was in a drug induced fog and don't remember anything. So here I sit.

"Here" is the Souldad Correctional Facility. According to statements taken from Carrot Top, Jeffy killed Pena after the boy recognized him from the "Family Circus" and insisted that Jeffy "put some snow on him".

Carrot Top: Jeffy just lost it man, and went buckwild on the kid. That's the honest to God truth.

Next Week: You Can't Spell Success Without PJ

Last Week: A Dolly By Any Other Name

Family Circus Part 4: A Dolly By Any Other Name...

2009-05-22T09:00:00.000-04:00

It was the middle children in the Keane family who were most profoundly affected by their father's work. Dolly, the lone girl among the children had nobody to turn to when she needed to talk about her problems while Jeffy, who looked much dumber in the comic than any of the other children. While PJ has turned his anger towards a successful career and Billy has managed to overcome the humiliation of childhood to become the manager of the third largest Payless Shoe Source in Parma, Ohio the middle children have been overwhelmed by their childhood memories.

Dolly: Dad always made Jeffy come off like an idiot. Like in the 'Snow' cartoon. I mean, Jeffy is only 4 at the time and dad is busting his nutz about calling Parmesan cheese 'snow'. Sure it was cute, but when Jeffy's friends

took him out for his 19th birthday and the waiter asked him if he wanted 'snow' on his pasta it wasn't so funny. Of course, dad never wrote one about the time Jeffy caught him and mom snorting coke and asked if he could try their snow. Looking back, I wish I could've helped, but damn, I had my own problems to deal with.

To deal with her problems Dolly turned rebellious, smoking pot for the first time at 12, she became know as the type of girl who would do anything. During her freshman year of high school she made out with Lucy Van Pelt in the boys locker room for $15. The girls claim it was no big deal.

Lucy: It wasn't a big deal, really. We were just two girls who were looking for somebody who loved us for us. Most people don't understand, and really, if you've never been famous you don't know. Our home lives are nothing when it comes to love, and your fame really just intimidates others. Look at Schroeder, he'd never give me the time of day. So one day Dolly and I are talking, and getting pretty down about ourselves, when Peppermint Patty and Marcie come by. And they tell us, we don't need love or approval from some man, we have all the love we could ever need right here.

But Dolly was perhaps beyond saving, her high school years were a blur of alcohol and drug abuse and make out parties in Peppermint Patty's basement. She was living on the streets and eating out of the garbage until FOX signed her for their new show, "Celebrity Girls Gone Wild on Spring Break."

Dolly: You know, it isn't the greatest job in the world, but it pays the bills and puts food on the table. Plus it has opened up other opportunities. I've already gotten calls from Cinemax to star in "The Family Sex Circus", a project that will let me tell my side of the story, in a soft core pornographic setting.

Next Week: Alas Poor Jeffy, I Knew Him Well

Last Week: It Ain't Easy Growing Up In the Funny Papers

Family Circus Part 3: It Ain't Easy Growing Up In The Funny Papers

2009-05-15T09:00:00.001-04:00

Billy: Yea, it was difficult, the way we grew up. You can imagine it's hard enough when your parents are drug abusing swingers, well imagine if everything you say or do is sent out for the world to judge. I mean, some of it is stuff that everybody does, but everybody doesn't know they did it. You know? Like I'll go into school and a punch of punks will pin me down and start punching me in the stomach yelling 'Its a BUNK bed you idiot!', because dad thought that was a cute moment of my life. I'm sure grandparents nationwide thought it was hilarious, but at school, it just made me out to be a dork.

The children spent most of their childhoods in a silent angst, hoping not to say something stupid that would end up in the papers the next morning. It was so bad that little PJ didn't speak until he came home from college over Thanksgiving break his freshman year. But perhaps that was the best option, of the four children, PJ is the only one most would consider "successful"- he owns his own movie production company, PJWorks, and his own record label, PJams.

PJ: Yea, it was hard growing up. My first memories were of Jeffy screaming at dad that he had made him look stupid. Dad would say something like "Oh son, it's just cute", but Jeffy was mad as hell and he'd throw the biggest fits. Mom just stood there and watched. I mean, what could she do? Dad's comics put food on the table, I understood that, but of course, Dad wasn't putting stupid shit I had said in the papers for the nation, and neighborhood bullies, to read.

As the children grew older, the comic became harder and harder to complete. King Features Syndicate nixed a series Bil had done after he had 'the talk' with Billy. Bil tried later with some panels about Dolly's first period, but again those strips were turned down by the syndicate.

Billy: Yea, thank God for the syndicate! Dad had a whole series of cartoons based around questions I asked when he told me about the birds and the bees. I remember the first time I got an erection, I ran into the living room as proud as can be to show everybody. He actually had the cartoon drawn up with me in the living room surrounded by the family yelling "Daddy, Daddy, I got a boner!", I mean, can you imagine that in the paper? And then the stuff with Dolly, I still can't believe he tried to get that printed! I know it never ran in the papers, but Dolly saw them and had a breakdown, right there in the den. It was after that incident that she really got into hard drugs.

Next week: A Dolly By Any Other Name

Last Week: Mommy And Daddy Have A Secret

The Real American Tribunal Judgement Against Obama

2009-05-12T13:33:00.004-04:00

The Tribunal court of Real Americans has returned today with its judgement against President Obama. On this day the 12th of May in the year 2009 Barack Hussein Obama has been tried and found guilty of the following crimes, committed against the people of the United States.

*Created an illegal personal security force, the Secret Service. This modern day S.S. operates outside of military and police protocol, serving as a private army/hit squad for Obama.

*Uses elitist "dijon" mustard as a condiment even when American mustards are available. Then used his power over the media to cover up the fact that he enjoys dijon mustard- a spicy condiment only preferred by most Americans.

*Rides around the capitol in a chauffeur driven limousine. At the tax payer's expense of course.

*Hitleresque public speaking ability.

*Celebrated the National Day of Prayer by merely signing a proclamation that all Americans should pray rather than forcing all Americans to pray, to Jesus, at gun point.

*Flies around the world in an aircraft he has arrogantly christened "Air Force One". The people are starving and King Obama flies around in luxury!

*Ignores the legitimate complaints of Joe The Plumber who simply wants the government to increase defense spending, continue providing medicare and medicaid, keep funding the public school system and save countless jobs lost due the recession. All while cutting taxes for working class families.

* Increased defense spending, continued to fund medicare, medicaid, and worked on helping public education while trying to save countless jobs lost due the recession. Cut taxes for working class families then engaged in Socialist class warfare by raising taxes slightly for the wealthiest Americans.

*Allowed the National Debt to double from 2000-2008

Sentencing for President Obama's crimes has been set for November 6th, 2012.

Family Circus Part 2: Mommy And Daddy Have A Secret

2009-05-08T09:15:00.007-04:00

Bil and Thel had always led a destructive lifestyle together and it was hoped by close family members that the "Butthole" comic would have scared them straight, but that hope was never realized as success brought with it temptation. At the 1960 Comic Awards Bil received the "Comeback Artist of the Year" award and afterwards he went with Thel to paint the town red.

It was during this celebration that Thel and Bil, already high on coke, wandered into a pub for a drink. Inside they ran into comic legend Andy Capp who bought a round to celebrate Bil's return to mainstream comic stardom. He also introduced the couple to the sordid sexual appetites of the comic underground. Mr. Capp and his wife and been "swinging" with several other comic stars, including Elly and John Patterson from "For Better or For Worse", Rex Morgan M.D. and Mary Worth.

Mr. Capp: Well, I'd be lying if I told you I didn't have an itch for Thel, that is one hot tart. And, well, knowing their past I figured I'd bring up our little group, I mean, who wouldn't want to give Ol' Thel a bit o' how's yer father, if you get my drift, eh? eh? Know what I mean. But really, it was no big deal, everybody was doing it back then, so nobody really paid no mind. Until that night.

"That night" that Mr. Capp refers to is May 13th 1961. The Keane's had met with Hiram Flagston and his wife Betty, stars of the comic "Hi and Betty", an incredibly popular comic of the 60's in the same family life niche as the "Family Circus". The couples had rented rooms at Caesar's Palace in Las Vegas for the purpose of swinging. Bil went to one room with Betty and Thel went off with Hiram. Tragedy struck when a sex chair Bil and Betty were using collapsed, Betty hit her head and died instantly. A panicked Bill ran next door to get his wife and Hiram.

Mr. Flagston refused a chance to speak with us on camera about the incident and the Keane's have a long standing policy of not discussing their swinger past. However, an anonymous source at King Features Syndicate tells us that the panicked threesome took the body out to the desert and buried it. When they came back to town they tried to mask any guilt with heavy use of narcotics and alcohol. Hiram even married a showgirl named Lois who would eventually take Betty's place in the strip.

It was this wedding that raised flags with Las Vegas police about the missing Mrs. Flagston. Rumors flew around town and a police investigation was opened. Knowing that Keane's career could not afford another scandal, King Features Syndicate stepped in and paid off the Las Vegas police. The official cause of Betty's death? Murder.

The death was a wake up call for Bil and Thel, there was no way they could keep up with this lifestyle. They worried about their own health and the affect their behavior would have on their children. It might have been too late, as their children had already carried those scars through their formative years and their futures would be profoundly affected by the childhood they lived in the funny pages.

Next Week: It Ain't Easy Growing Up In The Funny Papers

Last Week: Behind The Laughter

Obama Socialism Update: Crisis!

2009-05-07T14:47:00.004-04:00

Attention God fearing Americans. The Interactive Gang Bang in conjunction with The Glenn Beck Show have updated the Obama Socialism Level. The threat has been upgraded from "Orange: Imminent" to "Red: Crisis".

What does a red OSL mean to the average American?

*Tax Rates for white Americans to be raised to 110%

*Government seizure of all businesses, property and children.

*Boots Riley to be named Secretary of Treasury

*Satire, thought and tea bags declared illegal

What should you be doing? The Bang recommends:

*Sell all assets and invest in saffron

*Stock up on poster board and Magnum brand markers. Remember, for a sign to be effective it must make little or no sense at all

*Learn Chinese

*Hold out until the next election. Remember, a crippling national debt is only bad when it is run up by a Democrat!

*Synchronize watches. Head to Cheney's undisclosed location.

*Pray. But to a real God. Not Thor or Hercules.

Family Circus Part 1: Behind The Laughter

2009-05-01T13:10:00.004-04:00

Hard booze, harder drugs a swinger lifestyle and laughter. Well, not so much laughter, but those other things have been the life of Bil Keane as chronicled in his daily comic strip "Family Circus" since 1960. While his comic might not have always brought joy into people's lives, it did remind parents that their kids weren't the only retarded ones on the planet.

But it wasn't always puppies and rainbows for Keane. In fact his comic career started in 1950 with the strip "Slice O' Life", a one panel that was similar to "Family Circus". The strip was just the comic rendition of Keane's real life child raising

experiences.

It ran for three days before controversy struck. The installment "Daddy Touched My Butthole" set

off a firestorm of outrage amongst button-down 1950's America. The FBI was called in to investigate and Keane, after convincing federal officials that it was merely a poor attempt at humor, was out of the comics game for most of the decade.

Bil and his wife Thel agreed on a trial separation, with Thel and the children moving into her parents Lima, Ohio trailer park and Bil heading west, to find himself. He looked for himself in the Hell's Angels where he learned how to build bikes from scrap parts and make Crystal Meth in a bathtub.

He spent 5 years there looking for himself amidst the drugs, parties and gang rapes but he wasn't there. One morning he awoke in an alley covered in puke and piss next to a dead prostitute when he faced the harsh reality. He wasn't a biker thug hell bent on destruction. He was a comic artist and he was only going to find himself in his work. Rededicated to life he left California and headed to the Midwest, ready to get back with Thel and rejoin his family circus.

Instead of the gritty realism of "Slice O' Life" Bil decided to use his four children, Billy, Dolly, Jeffy and PJ as the basis for his new strip. He would take the everyday, stupid,

banal things his children said and present them to the world. Not so much for comedic purposes but more so to let parents worldwide know that they aren't the only ones suffering through their children's mental deficiencies. The idea was a smash hit and "Family Circus" was the most critically acclaimed new comic to hit the funny papers since "Lil' Abner". Life was good for the Keane family, but just because the laundry wasn't being aired in public, didn't mean it wasn't dirty.

Next Week: Mommy and Daddy Have A Secret

TIG Presents: HOLY SHIT!

2009-05-01T10:35:00.003-04:00

The Virgin Mary has returned! The Associated Press is reporting today that the Mother of Jesus has shown herself on a griddle in Calexico, California. As proof of this miracle the AP has provided this picture of two Mexican wrestlers looking at said griddle.

Saints be praised! Finally the questions of all ye unbelievers can be put to rest! How could one dispute the existence of God and the story of Jesus in the face of such powerful evidence?

Maybe you can dismiss the Bible as an ancient mythological text. Fine, I can see that. But do you think that Mr. Tempest and Renegado would lie about the appearance of the Holy Mother? Mr. Tempest has clearly been touched in a very real and profound way by the griddle:

"This is amazing. It's a true miracle."

Not so easy to dispute that, is it. A true miracle. Stains on a griddle could never just happen to look like something. This is no mere coincidence. God reached down from heaven above and placed the Virgin Mary on this griddle. Divine intervention is the only explanation for this occurrence.

This is the first divine appearance since Jesus appeared in a pancake in Conneaut, Ohio in March of 2007.
Believers in the Jesus cake claim that it cleared up a teen's acne in Columbus, OH and is also responsible for the overwhelming success of the Bush Administration's final years.

Behind The News

2009-04-29T14:17:00.004-04:00

The Bang has always subscribed to the theory that an informed citizen is a better citizen. with that in mind we present a new feature- "Behind The News". We'll look at the top news items of the day and give you a little extra information on the story that the "mainstream" media didn't cover.

The Swine Flu Spreads through 10 States

What you know- People are getting the flu. Panic is spreading as if Bush and Cheney were still setting the media agenda. We will all be dead in 10 months.

What you don't know- We'll all be dead in 10 weeks. It is still safe to eat bacon.

Yankees Decrease Ticket Prices At New Stadium

What you know- The New York Yankees have opened a new stadium and have been playing before a sea of empty, overpriced seats. After taking a beating for showing no concern for 'the fans' that Yankees have lowered prices in an effort to get more fans to come on out to the park.

What you didn't know- Nobody likes the Yankees or their fans. Boo-hoo, Yankee fan can't go to the game. Fuck you Yankee fan.

Scientists Detect Oldest Object In The Universe

What you know- Last Thursday scientists witnessed the explosion of an enormous star. A star that exploded 13 billion years ago.

What you didn't know- You're still getting fired from your job at Ford, you still can't afford tickets to the ball game and now you'll have to listen to religious types talk about how this explosion was planted by Satan to test our faith in God. On the plus side, bacon is still safe to eat.

President Obama's First 100 days

What you know- President Obama is finishing up his first 100 days in office and has taken on the economy, the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan and national security to mixed results. Grades from pundits have fallen mostly on partisan lines, with Fox News' Sean Hannity giving Obama an F-.

What you didn't know- Hannity gave Obama that F- on January 19th.

On Match.com: It's Okay To Look

2009-04-28T13:48:00.003-04:00

There are plenty of great guys on match.com. Check out our newest member Somali Pete.

Somali Pete is looking for a woman who loves him for him, not his pirates bounty in hidden treasure. Girls interested in Somali Pete should also be able use an RPG to take out that navy seal sniper.

Somali Pete's hobbies include being outdoors, ransom money, antique weapons and cooking with U.N. grain.

Interested ladies should be handy with rifle, know how to steer a boat and clean a cold war era AK-47.

Draft Wrap

2009-04-27T10:22:00.005-04:00

Okay, I'm not going to waste your time with some in depth post draft rundown. How stupid is it to give grades to draft picks when you won't know anything about how good they are until after they've finished their careers?

If you must sound smart at the water cooler today here are some nuggets to drop on your coworkers:

The Raiders...what is up with that?

The Jets overpaid sure, but they got the player they wanted.

You know who always gets value out of the draft? The Patriots.

There really is only one story coming out of this draft. Arizona tackle Eben Britton- he was drafted 39th by the Jacksonville Jaguars and he was not happy about the situation. To quote:

"Every team that passed on me will regret it for the rest of the history of their franchise.''

For the history of their franchise. Attention NFL teams, you did not pass on a player you passed on a mutha-fuckin' super villain. Who is this guy, Lex Luthor? Will games have to be stopped while he goes on long, ranting diatribes against opposing players?

"Listen up Superfools! We are going to score a touchdown on this drive and there is nothing you can to do stop us! Also, deliver 100 trillion dollars in uncut diamonds to luxury suite 134 by half time or we will blow up your puny city!"

My predictions for Britton:

Years played: 4

Pro Bowls Made: 0

Franchises regretting him for the rest of history: 0

Most likely franchise to regret him: Jacksonville

Cities destroyed: 0

Trillions in uncut diamonds collected: 0

And just for fun, a haiku:

Britton, Jacksonville

All ye who passed shall regret

Or not, whatever

Draft Day Haiku: NHL Edition

2009-04-25T15:56:00.003-04:00

Flyers fear not Pens

Hard hitting they won't back down

Crosby? Still a bitch

Draft Day Shaq-u

2009-04-25T13:41:00.004-04:00

Shaq rocks on the court

But if Shaq played some football

He'd bust people up

Draft Day Haiku: The Jets

2009-04-25T13:11:00.002-04:00

Jets have no QB

Too many holes for one draft

The Mets suck as well

Draft Day Haiku: The Raiders

2009-04-25T11:30:00.003-04:00

Raiders franchise falls

With high draft picks aplenty

They still fail to win

Classic Draft Haiku: Tony Mandarich

2009-04-25T10:30:00.003-04:00

A classic Haiku from 1989:

Packers draft the beast

Left Tackle set for decade

Green Bay back on top

Draft Day Haiku: Matt Stafford

2009-04-25T09:46:00.003-04:00

Matt Stafford, Lion

Good Luck Getting Killed Sundays

Lions Blow Big Time

Mascot Madness!

2009-04-24T09:44:00.012-04:00

St. John's University is looking for a new mascot! Instead of going to the geniuses who brought you "Inaugural Season" and the dreamcicle jersey the folks at St. John's decided to leave the box, think outside of it, then return to the box with these 6 choices. That's right, you the fans get to choose the next St. John's mascot. To quote Judas when he got his 30 pieces of silver- Whoop-de-damn-doo!

1) Red Storm Dog- First up is the mighty Red Storm Dog. This brilliant mascot takes the current school nickname- Red Storm- and puts "Dog" on the end. And not even a cool 90's gangsta Dee-Oh-Double-Gee you see. Just a regular 1 'g' dog. This dog looks like Brian from Family Guy fucked Clifford The Big Red Dog and somehow their gay canine sex act resulted in a child. A child who decided to root for St. John's basketball.

2) Red Storm Bear- Whoa! Somebody at the old SJU marketing department must've been on a roll! Putting 'Dog' on the end of our current nickname? That's fucking stupid. You know what will put fear into the hearts of men? A fucking Bear. Number one on the threat down- Red Storm Bears. Get back Lorretta!

Honestly, I think the problem at St. John's is the nickname Red Storm. It sounds like a rejected flavor of Mountain Dew.

Mountain Dew Red Storm, it's as real as the streets.

3)Thunderbird- Speaking of energy drinks it's your next choice- THUNDERBIRD!! That's right bitches! We gettin' drunk on "the bird" and heading to MSG for some basketball!

Question- if you're doing the demo drawing for a mascot, wouldn't you want it to look good? What the heck is up with that lightening bolt on his chest? And the feet? It looks like the guy drew the bird and as he was walking into the office to present his project realized it needed feet.

4)Thunder Horse- What the fuck is a Thunder Horse? I've never heard of a thunder horse. He looks like the horse from Ren and Stimpy in a St. John's tank top. I love the little curly cue of hair on top of his head. Awww precious.

Why are all the mascots waving at me. Shouldn't mascots be inspiring fear in their opponents?

5)Storm Hero- AWWWWW YEAAAAAA! FUCK YOU BITCHES! Now this is what I'm talking about! Maybe Thunder Horse didn't scare you but check out Storm Hero. He's coming to get you.

He's like Guitar Hero, but he's mastered the power of storm and he's about to open a can of whoop tushy. Look how he's standing! You don't stand there, fists on hips, huge grin on your face if you can't kick ass and take names.

However, just because you call something "Storm Hero" doesn't mean you won't be sued for copyright infringement by DC Comics.

6) Thunderbolt- Hey gang! What if we just took the lightening bolt off of a Gatorade bottle and put a face on it along with some arms and legs. Then we put thigh pads on the legs, Robin Hood boots on the feet and rubber gloves on the hands.

I dunno...

Wait, what if we also drew some pecs and abs on it?

I'd say you just drew our new mascot!

Here We Go Lions

2009-04-21T10:09:00.004-04:00

Fresh off the first 0-16 season in NFL history the Lions look to start over with a brand new logo. A sleeker, newer, hipper design has been unveiled with the hopes of washing away years of frustration.

A great plan, except the new logo is nearly identical to the old logo. A few minor changes- the mane, wilder. The teeth, toothier. The eyes, drawn on. But seriously we have the same blue lion we've seen for the last 60 years of Detroit Lion futility.

Perhaps the Lions hired the same design firm that created the Mets' Inaugural Season Patch.

Okay guys, new job today, we're making a new logo for the Detroit Lions.

I like the old logo. It kinda looks like a lion, but blue.

Okay, we'll keep that. Blue lion. Next.

Don't lions have eyes?

Boom! We add some eyes.

How about teeth. I've never been to Africa, but I'm sure lions have teeth.

Like this?

No, pointier.

This?

Awesome.

Draw some lines on it so it looks like it has muscles and stuff.

Done. Let's go get shit faced. We'll have Millen approve it tomorrow.

TIG's Top 5: Madden Ooops!

2009-04-20T12:25:00.003-04:00

We continue our tribute to recently retired broadcaster with a look at his Top 5 on-air bungles. When you've been on live TV for over 30 years you're bound to have a grand collection of bloopers, and when you spent half of that time blathering off the top of you head while fighting off dementia, well, you're gonna have some winners.

Spending too much time with Pat Summerall probably didn't help matters.

5) "Honestly, the guy is an idiot but hey, he still sends me paychecks."- While covering a Raiders/Eagles game Madden mentioned right before a commercial break that Raiders owner Al Davis was "a genius". The broadcast was supposed to cut to a commercial but a flag was thrown on the field and the cameras kept rolling. Assuming he was off camera Madden let loose with this assessment of Davis.

4) "Somebody crapped in his pants Pat and let me tell you, I ain't sitting in butt chili."- Near the end of their run on FOX John spent most of the 3rd quarter of a Redskins/Giants game complaining about the rank smell of feces permeating the broadcast booth. At the start of the fourth quarter John, clearly perturbed, dropped this line on long time partner Pat Summerall. Summerall never responded and was replaced for the rest of the broadcast by an intern.

3) "I could eat dick all day"- Madden chomped happily on his traditional Thanksgiving Turducken during a post game wrap-up with Dick Stockton. CBS released an apology the next day stating that Madden had meant to say he could eat "turducken" all day but was confused as he was passing food to Dick Stockton as he spoke.

2) "Hey, shut the fuck up"- To an unnamed producer who had been speaking to Madden through his headset. Nobody knows what was being said to Madden but his angry reply was heard by everybody listening to the broadcast of the Packers/Vikings game that day. Madden had been speaking for 8 straight minutes about Packer QB Brett Favre when he paused, sighed and then snapped at the unknown producer.

1) "Where did we find this asshole?"- ABC had decided in the off season to spice-up the booth with the addition of Dennis Miller. Madden's classic "asshole" line came after Miller decided to discuss the Cowboy's decision to replace coach Jimmy Johnson with Barry Switzer:

"I mean c'mon this is like Hammurabi turning Babylon over to Sheckie Green when he's done running things. Nothing against the Sheckster, but he ain't no Hammurabi and Barry Switzer isn't coming up with Hammurabi's Code anytime soon."

Gary Sheffield: Congrats, Fuck You

2009-04-20T11:49:00.003-04:00

Gary Sheffield, you just hit your 500th career home run. Congrats on an outstanding accomplishment.

Also, fuck you.

Congrats on hanging around past your usefulness to a major league team for the sole purpose of picking up your 500th home run. Bully for you Sheffield.

In a fitting twist, Sheffield's historic home run came against the Milwaukee Brewers, his first major league team. After Sheffield left the Brewers he admitted that at times he "didn't try" and even claimed to have intentionally committed errors while playing third base.

Again, fuck you Gary Sheffield.

You're humbled by you accomplishment?

Fuck you.

Your family is happy for you?

Fuck them.

You're going to the Hall of Fame?

Fuck you and fuck anybody who votes for you.

In the eyes of history a whiny, bitch ass quitter like yourself should be judged just like the cheaters of the steroid era. You're the worst of all things is this world- a person blessed with prodigious talent who punked out when the chips were down.

You came to a struggling franchise, like many great players before you, and instead of leading by example and changing the culture of the franchise you turned bitch and pouted your way out of town.

Fuck you.

Oh and congrats on your milestone homer. But mostly fuck you.

TIG's Top 5- Worst Madden Curses

2009-04-17T10:59:00.006-04:00

With the announcement yesterday of John Madden's retirement from broadcasting we here at the Bang thought a Top 5 tribute would be in order. Today we look at the infamous "Madden Cover Athlete Curse" with the worst curses of all time from the famous video game series.

5) 2009 Brett Favre- In '09 the good folks at EA had a fool proof way to avoid the curse- put a retired athlete on the cover. Unfortunately the plan, was not fool proof enough as cover boy Brett Favre insisted on coming back for one more year.

After a long, public and embarrassing stand off with the Packers regarding his return he was traded to the Jets. Where he promptly led them to an 8-3 record before collapsing in the last 5 games of the season. Favre led the way during the 1-4 finish with 9 interceptions.

4)2008 Vince Young- In 2005 Vince Young led the Texas Longhorns to the national title in one of the greatest bowl games ever vs USC. As a rookie he started 13 games and went 8-5. In his second season he started 15 games, went 9-6 and led the Titans to the playoffs.

After being placed on the cover of Madden 08 Young lost his starting job after 1 game, went missing, was presumed suicidal, was found, denied having any problems and hasn't played a game since.

3) 2007 Shaun Alexander- Over 1800 yards. 27 Touchdowns. 5 yard per carry and 117 yards per game. These were Shaun Alexander's number the year he was named the NFL MVP. These were the numbers that got Shaun Alexander on the cover of Madden '07.

Just over 1600 yards. 11 touchdowns. 3.4 yard per carry. These are the numbers Shaun Alexander has put up in the three years since being put on the cover of Madden '07.

2) 2004 Michael Vick- Vick was never really a "numbers" guy when it came to throwing the football. He was exciting to watch and frustrating to root for. After being on the cover there was a drop off in the team's record, but no real change in his performance. In fact in 2006 he became the first NFL QB to rush for over 1,000 yards. The Madden Curse seemed to have no effect on the elusive Vick.

Editors Note: Michael Vick has not played in the NFL for the last 2 years after being convicted of running illegal dog fights at his home in Virginia.

1)1994 John Madden- In the mid 90's John Madden was one of the most respected announcers in the game. Madden and his partner Pat Summerall where the main announce team for the NFL and would regularly call the best games in the NFC.

However, they were clearly nearing the end of their time. But thanks to the success of the Madden series we were subjected to 15 more years of his increasingly inane commentary and useless anecdotes about butt sweat, the smell of offensive linemen and turducken.

Fuck you EA.

"I Could Kill Like OJ...Brutha!"

2009-04-16T10:05:00.006-04:00

First off, it was not our intention to make this a "Hulk Hogan" or "pro wrestling" blog by any stretch of the imagination. We ran a bit on Hogan, which led to some research and another hilarious bit, but that was to be the end of the story.

But then Hulk Hogan comes out and tells Rolling Stone magazine that he can sympathize with OJ Simpson. To quote:

"I could have turned everything into a crime scene, like OJ, cutting everybody's throat..."

Wow. Strong words from somebody who preaches taking your vitamins and saying your prayers. Although word on the street is that taking too many of the Hulkster's "vitamins" can have some behavioral side effects.

Anyway, everybody is shitting themselves over the comments and how violent they are, but people are overlooking one tiny fact.

OJ never killed anybody. The Juice was found not guilty for the murder of his wife and her waiter. By a jury of his peers- 4 Heisman trophy winners and 8 bad actors.

When reached for comment on Hogan's quote OJ responded:

"Aw hell no. Why you muthfuckas gotta keep bring that shit up? The glove did not fit so they had to acquit."

Even if we lived in some alternate universe where OJ killed his wife this wouldn't be a proper response. No Hogan, you should not "Go OJ" on your wife. It would be wrong to do that.

What you should do is "Go Chris Benoit" on your wife. In that scenario you do us a favor and kill yourself when you're done.

Top 5 "Don'ts" For Job Hunters

2009-04-15T09:48:00.004-04:00

Lost your job recently? Don't worry, you're not the only one. But, in a market flooded with newly available talent how does one separate oneself for the other ones on the market?

Good question.

The Bang has talked to leaders in "the field" to discuss the top mistakes people make when applying for jobs and ways to avoid making those same mistakes yourself.

5) Euphemisms are your friends- Instead of having a massive porn collection say you collect "outsider art". Instead of being arrested for stalking a coworker say you spent time as a "photo journalist". You're not a serial killer say you "enjoy having house guests".

4) Fill in the blanks- Have a hole in your resume from that stint in a mental hospital? Don't leave it empty, a hole in your work history is a sure to lead to more questions. Fill that hole with something that sounds good but will be hard for an employer to verify. Good choices would be 'rap star posse member', minor league hockey player and my personal favorite- "some secret C.I.A. shit".

3) Dress for success- If you look successful you are 75% more likely to get hired over a candidate with equal qualifications who doesn't look as successful. We recommend you rent the tuxedo rather than buy as you'll probably get hired after your first tux interview.

2) Avoid 'red flag' words- During a job interview you'll be asked to talk about yourself. Avoid words that will cause concern in your future employer. You're leadership style should be "authoritative" instead of "Hitleresque". You look to "maximize company assets" rather than "steal". You left your last job to find something more "creative" rather than "fired because I grabbed Joanna, the hot secretary, around the waist and smothered my face in her magnificent tits."

1) Degree from Harvard- Make sure to mention your degree from Harvard. What's that? You don't have a degree from Harvard? How the fuck is Johnny Interview going to know that? You think he can just call up Harvard and ask if you went there? Besides, why would he check on you, we all know a person who went to Harvard wouldn't lie.

Note- if you think your douche bag future boss might be a Harvard grad then replace Harvard with Duke or Stanford.

Hulk Hogan: A Litany Of Endorsement Failure

2009-04-10T14:23:00.005-04:00

Yesterday's piece on the immortal Hulk Hogan ended with a spoof of how difficult it would be to get the Hulkster to endorse your product. We concluded it was quite easy. However, in order to be fair we decided to do some research on Hulk's endorsement past. Turns out it is easier than we thought.

One funny side note- The George Foreman Grill people first approached Hulk about being their spokesman. The idea of the Hulk Hogan Grill seemed ridiculous to the immortal one, so he passed. Maybe he's just taking every endorsement that comes his way for fear of losing out another billion dollar deal?

Our foray into Hulk's endorsements brought us to Hulk Hogan's energy drink:

It seems weird that the Hulkster would endorse and energy drink, considering that he knows how inconvenient cans are to people in need of quick energy. At least, if his ad for Hulk's Energy Granules is to be believed.

Next up Hogan enters the kitchen with a helpful tool for the ladies- The Hulk Hogan Thunder Mixer:

"The mixer with a tornado inside." I dunno, kinda looks like a blender to me. I guess the Hulk Hogan Blender wouldn't fly off the shelves like a Thunder Mixer.

"You want a shake? I'd make one but all I got is this fucking blender. Piece of shit. If only I had a Thunder Mixer then I could drop some fruit in there and give thirst a big leg drop."

Hey, what's the point of being a world famous celebrity if you don't have your own brand of microwaveable hamburger-like snack?

That's right Hulkster Chesseburgers!!! A meat like substance covered with a cheese like substance that is not only microwaveable, but has also been declared food by the FDA! If the Hulkster Cheeseburger is half as successful as Ted Nugent's "Chicken Nugents" only 8 people will die from ingesting them.

But having some crappy microwaveable foodstuff with your name on it is nothing. Hell, Orville Redenbacher pulled that off and he was a nerd. To join the truly elite celebrities one needs his own restaurant.

Ladies and Gentlemen, we present....Hulk Hogan's PastaMania!

Pastamania running through my brain....?

Move Over Billy Mays!

2009-04-09T13:01:00.003-04:00

Hulkamania is running wild on you!

The immortal Hulk Hogan is getting into the shyster business with Hogan Energy Granules!

Sick of having to carry around inconvenient drinks and pills (pills are inconvenient?)- Then load up on Hogan Energy Granules, the energy boost that melts in your mouth. Its easy packaging fits neatly between the needles in your 'roid kit!

The Granules have the same amount of caffeine as a cup of coffee are low in calories, high in vitamins and are made with a Revolutionary Technology. Just like Hulk Hogan! And not only that, it tastes great....also like Hulk Hogan!

For realsies though, how hard is it to get Hulk Hogan to endorse your product? I imagine it goes something like this:

Hey Hulkster, we'd like to pay you...

Done!

But you don't even know what we want to pay you...

Pay me! Done!

Its a product called Hulk Hogan's Anal Intruder. Its a replica of your arm created for sexual penetration.

For the ladies?

We're going to market it to guys. We'd like you on the package using the product.

On a guy.

Yea.

But you'll still pay me.

We will pay you...

DONE!

Are Republicans For Serious?

2009-03-02T11:50:00.003-05:00

This is Bobby Jindal- the next great Republican leader?

Well, at least they took off his bicycle helmet before they put him on television. Who exactly does he think he's talking to? Mrs. Rather's kindergarten class?

Conservatives, don't get into a lather that I'm making fun of the idiotic way Mr. Jindal presents himself. I also looked at some of the facts. Jindal is governor of Louisiana, a state that currently ranks fourth in children living below the poverty line and 46th in high school graduation rates. Oh, and they're facing a projected budget shortfall of more than $1.7 billion.

Congrats! He's earned a purple ribbon of participation and a Special Olympics hug!

He also turned down $100 million in stimulus money for the state. Apparently the Republican plan to regain power is to make people so stupid that they'd vote republican. Hey, it worked in Louisiana!

Of course, I'm forgetting the most important reason Jindal is a future republican superstar- he's brown! Obama is the president, young and brown is the new old and white! And as odd as it may seem, the other brown republican of note- Michael Steele- is even more dimwitted than Jindal. Just check out his plan for a republican future!

HIP-HOP MAKEOVER!

Gather round kids as MC Jindal is going to lay down some "off the hook" lyrics while DJ JAM MASTER STEELE kicks this (republican) party in to high gear with some fat beats!

Yo, I'm Bobby Jindal from the 5-0-4
You lookin' for a job I show you the door
My plan is to keep you livin' in stupidity
Da lower your IQ da more votes for me.

Werd to your welfare mother.

The Bang's Hero Of The Week: Larry Eustachy

2009-03-02T11:02:00.002-05:00

Time are tough people. Most of our great 50 states are facing huge deficits, the housing markets are collapsing and Wall Street is a mess.

But one man, one man with a frivolous job, has decided to make a statement. Larry Eustachy, the men's basketball coach at Southern Miss is giving back part of his pay. Twenty-five thousand dollars to be specific.

The 25 grand was part of a bonus Eustachy had earned for reaching various incentives, including season ticket sales. Eustachy commented on the gesture in a press release.

"The university, fans and administration have been so supportive. I am part of the Golden Eagle family and I want the team and program to succeed more than anyone else does. To that end, until I can turn around the program I have told the administration that I do not want a contract extension and I will donate part of my compensation package back to Southern Miss to help during these difficult economic times. I want to win a championship at Southern Miss and I know that we can do it."

Nicely played Larry.

Eustachy is probably best remember for being forced out of the head coaching gig at Iowa State after photos surfaced of him partying with coeds. He had done a fantastic job at ISU but the scandal has hampered his ability to land a job in a major conference. Hopefully this will help him put that incident in the past and lead to the big opportunity he deserves.

The Dregs Of Facebook: Osama bin Laden Fill in

2009-02-28T15:35:00.006-05:00

Okay everybody, you know I hate doing these, but this one looked like fun. Put your name in the blank and do a google search. Share your answers- this is all in good fun.

1. Type in "[your name] needs" in Google search.

Osama bin Laden needs Bush.

2. Type in "[your name] looks like" in Google search.

Osama bin Laden looks like Jesus Christ.

3. Type in "[your name] hates" in Google search.

Osama bin Laden hates America, loves Lost.

4. Type in "[your name] goes" or "has gone" in Google search.

(The search for) Osama bin Laden has gone stone cold.

5. Type in "[your name] loves" in Google search.

Osama bin Laden loves John McCain.

6. Type in "[your name] eats" in Google search.

Osama bin Laden eats shit and dies.

7. Type in "[your name] has" in Google search.

Osama bin Laden has farty pants.

8. Type in "[your name] works" in Google search.

Osama bin Laden works for the CIA.

9. Type in "[your name] lives" in Google search.

Osama bin Laden lives!!

10. Type in "[your name] died" in Google search.

Osama bin Laden died four months ago.

11. Type in "[your name] will" in Google search.

Osama bin Laden will be either killed in combat or executed.

The Dregs Of Facebook: "Robert Byrd Needs"

2009-02-27T12:41:00.004-05:00

Go to Google and type your name in quotation marks and then "needs" (ex. "Bill Clinton needs"). Type in the first ten unique things that come up and re-post in your own note.

1) Robert Byrd needs to go.

2)Robert Byrd needs to get down on his knees and ask God for forgiveness for hating President Bush the way he does.

3)Robert Byrd needs a new Hog Belly Museum constructed right away.

4)Robert Byrd needs to leave luncheon when overcome with emotion over Kennedy.

5)Robert Byrd needs lots of rest so make sure you set him up a nice place at the foot of your bed.

6)Robert Byrd need to be accountable for the lynchings and cross burning committed by him and his KKK recruits.

7)Robert Byrd needs to retire.

8)Robert Byrd needs to see this video.

9)Robert Byrd needs to have it tattooed on his forehead.

10) Robert Byrd NEEDS TO RETIRE!!!!

Memo To Big Ten Basketball: We Use Nets Now

2009-02-18T21:48:00.003-05:00

Apparently in the Midwest they're still using peach baskets as hoops- that's the only explanation for tonight's 38-33 score as Penn State beat (16) Illinois.

Yes, the supposed 16th ranked team in the country put up 33 points on fucking Penn State. I'm sure the apologists will be out in force talking about the tough defenses you face in the Big 10 and how good shots are hard to come by.

The Bang is calling bullshit.

The Big 10 is boring. None of the teams in the Big 10 run any kind of fast break and most of their offensive schemes involve passing the ball around the perimeter until the shot clock forces them to throw up a shot.

The teams also play "physical" defense. Physical being a term encompassing dirty play with lots of pushing and hand checking. For some reason the Big 10 lets it slide during the season- watch for that to bite Big 10 teams in the ass come tourney time. In tonight's game, for example, Illinois didn't attempt one free throw. You think Penn State plays UConn, Mizzou or even Florida State without allowing a free throw attempt?

On the plus side hopefully this will end talk of the Big 10 deserving six bids to the tourney.

Who am I kidding. I'm sure this will be used to prove that Penn State deserves a bid.

Top 5 Guest: Rush Limbaugh

2009-02-18T12:01:00.003-05:00

Yesterday's post regarding Aqua Man drew a lot of interest nationwide, both positive and negative. Some just found it interesting to get a glimpse into the mind of a super hero while others felt compassion for Aqua Man as a misunderstood fish out of water.

In others the piece raised questions about the need for a Justice League. Even if it is necessary, why should the taxpayers be stuck with paying for the League?

One email that caught my eye was the following from conservative stalwart Rush Limbaugh, who was nice enough to use The Bang's Top 5 format.

TIG, just wanted to drop a note for you to pass on to Aqua Man. Let him know what the fifth branch of government thinks about his "Justice League".

5) While at one time I agreed with the need for a league of super heroes to protect this great country from catastrophic attack the Justice League has become just another example of the bloated liberal bureaucracy. The final cost to the taxpayer has been doubled and almost tripled thanks to the addition of super heroes who can all accomplish the same thing. Black Vulcan, Wonder Woman, Apache Chief, Samurai and El Dorado, what do you bring to the table that can't be handled by Superman, Batman or Green Lantern? Thank you affirmative action.

4) I'm sure all the PC Thugs will line up to call the show on this one but let me say one thing. I find it ironic that we have to hire some guy to patrol the oceans to stop Black Manta. I'm sure the liberals will point out some phony baloney study that shows that the police pick on poor black people, but let's be real about this folks.

Oh if only we had funded Head Start! Maybe Black Manta would own a Cold Stone Creamery!

3) How come nobody ever addresses the property damage caused by the Justice League? At a recent Republican fund raiser I spent some time with wealthy industrialist Bruce Wayne and let me tell you, I think people are more afraid of what these "heroes" will do rather than thankful for what they have done.

For those who don't know, Wayne's mansion was destroyed when he was attacked by a super villain (with no heroes in sight to help him) and later Batman destroyed most of Wayne Industries headquarters fighting with the same villain! Did this Batman, who never seems at a loss for gadgets and vehicles, offer to help rebuild? Of course not. Mr. Wayne rebuilt out of pocket. But at this fundraiser he had nothing to say about either incident and nothing bad at all to say about Batman.

2) Also, we see all this damage, all this fighting and our cities are on the precipice of disaster yet when all is said and done no punishment is meted out. The next day you're as likely to see Lex Luthor in the grocery store as court.

And not to hammer away on Batman, but how come everybody he arrests ends up getting off on an insanity plea. The Joker- a man who by all rights should have received the death penalty 20 times for his misdeeds- sits in Arkham Asylum, just waiting for his turn to break out.

I suppose if there had been after school programs for The Joker he'd be a Burger King Assistant Manger?

1) And most disgusting is the overall liberal propaganda being shoveled out by the Justice League. Look, Aqua Man, it is great that you can talk to fish, but honestly sometimes that's not enough. Sure you can foil the occasional Toy Man or Riddler plot with good intentions and a message about equality. But when you're looking eye to eye with Grog, Solomon Grundy or Bizarro Superman a couple of fish glubbing about pollution aren't going to do you any good.

My friends, we need to be vigilant about this. Remember these are just five problems among many that I have with the Justice League. We haven't even talked about the fact that they've never even given Lex Luthor's economic package a fair shake! Why do we automatically assume that because a man shares conservative values and believes a country should follow a single strong leader that he is bad?

From my office at EIB, good afternoon.

The Dregs Of Facebook: 25 Things You Don't Know About Aquaman

2009-02-17T13:59:00.004-05:00

Facebook is a great diversion for people who need the paycheck that comes with working but aren't necessarily fans of doing work.

Not only can you waste hours playing games, looking at photos and posting about your crappy office, but you can also find information about your friends.

The newest craze sweeping Facebook is the "25 things you don't know". This week while wasting time at work we stumbled upon Aquaman's Facebook account and just couldn't help sharing his 25 things.

You know the drills guys, if you're named in the note it's because I want to know more about you! If you've been tagged do your own list and tag 25 friends (including the one who tagged you!)

1) Technically I do not "talk" to fish. Rather I release a pheromone that attracts fish to me that are sexually ready (in "heat"). Because I use this when I am in danger the natural fish instinct is to protect me, its "mate".

2) For me a day can't qualify as perfect if it doesn't include time spent in the ocean's vast coral fields.

3) Every member of a team is important. Not everybody can hit the game winning homer. Somebody has to steal second or field a ground ball or warm up the relief pitcher or make sure the post game buffet is set up.

4) Nobody makes seaweed stew better than my mom. Her secret is adding fish scales. And no, I won't tell you what kind of fish.

5) What's up with the Legion of Doom trying to conquer the world? Especially Black Manta- if you can't release a pheromone to attract fish they don't give a shit about you. Without that attraction being the king of the ocean would be tantamount to being king of nothing.

6) Regardless of what land dwellers think I am quite a good specimen. I cna have my choice of any woman in Atlantis. What Wonder Woman might call my "stink" is considered an enchanting musk under the ocean.

7) Of all the members of the Justice League I respect Batman the most. He's the most like me in that he really doesn't have "super" powers. However, I wish he would quit bragging to me about his gadgets, I don't care. First off, I have no use for electronics as I spend most of my time in the water. Second, I don't care about his money. His money is as useless in Atlantis as my sand dollars are at Wal Mart.

8) Even as a young prince I felt it was important to be in touch with the 'common' man. Working with the land dwellers has taught me a lot and being at the bottom of the Justice League totem pole has certainly done a lot to keep my ego in check.

9) My pet peeve is polluting.

10) I don't like my outfit's color scheme but I wear it because those are the colors of my family crest. Oh, the fights I had with my father about this when I was younger.

11) I'm confident in the face of any situation. However I also have the wisdom to let others shine.

12) I'm the only Justice League member with a Nobel Peace Prize. I was part of the blue ribbon panel that won with Al Gore last year.

13) Hawk Girl. I don't think I have to say anything more.

14) More than once the Legion of Doom has tried to talk me into joining them. Lex Luthor actually put together a rather convincing PowerPoint and really, with me, the Legion would control most of the planet. However, Luthor refused to accept my demands regarding oceanic pollution.

15) I hate it when Spanish speaking people refer to me as Agua Man.

16) My people have over 300 words for "water". But only one for crime. That word is "crime".

17) In Atlantis we know Great White sharks as the ocean's prankster. You guys up there need to lighten up.

18) If a chunk of metal made me powerless I'd make damn sure that that secret was never found out. Yea, if Superman is so great how come every 2 bit street hustler knows he can't handle kryptonite?

19) The average intelligence of an ocean dweller is 25 points higher than the average land dweller.

20) I'm the Justice League's chess champion three years running.

21) Favorite Hero (aside from me of course!)- Black Vulcan.

22) Legion of Doom Villain I'd like to get to know- Solomon Grundy. I think he just needs a hug.

23) I know a lot of people think I'm a 'useless' member of the Justice League but I beg to differ. Look at Batman. Pretty much anything he handles could be handled by Superman. Same with Wonder Woman. And it goes the other way. Every job that Superman takes doesn't really need his super powers. Superman stopping a bank robbery is like sandblasting a graham cracker.

On the other hand, when I handle an underwater crime I'm the only cat to call. Yea, Batman can ride in his Bat-Sub, but he can't fight hand to hand in that thing. What are you going to do, blast a shark fin poacher with a laser gun?

24) I always make a point to act as a mentor to the younger members of the Justice League. I have nothing against the Wonder Twins, but honestly, I kinda miss Wendy and Marvin. I saw a lot of myself in Marvin.

25) In Atlantis we don't have racism. It gets hard to hate somebody for being black or asian when your mom was a salmon and your dad was half killer whale.

On Match.Com, It's Okay To Look

2009-02-17T10:46:00.003-05:00

There are plenty of great guys on match.com. Check out our newest member IslamDave.

IslamDave enjoys women who know their place but are willing to show a little ankle. IslamDave wants a wife who knows to shut up when he says "Wife, shut up."

IslamDave's hobbies include killing infidels, the eradication of the Jew, raising goats and death to America. IslamDave is looking for an LTR although nothing would please him more than giving his life for the glory of Allah.

Interested ladies should be handy with explosives, know the quickest way to start an American flag on fire and should also wear a size 5 burka. No Fatties.

Just In Case You Forgot

2009-02-16T14:46:00.000-05:00

The Bang is here to remind you why Shaq rules.

Mets Management Working At Memphis University

2009-02-16T13:28:00.005-05:00

That's the only explanation for this:

Special jerseys for FedEx appreciation night.

Take special note of the hideous colors. Only a Mets executive would approve something so displeasing to the eye (see patch, inaugural season).

The idea was scrapped not because of the hideous color scheme but rather, the school was afraid of the backlash. See as college students the Memphis basketball team should not be put in a position where they are de facto unpaid endorsers of a product.

When you're done laughing and cleaning the spit-take off your computer screen head back to CBS for the rest of the Pontiac Half-Time Report.

WHY DO YOU AGRESS ME!

2009-02-16T11:26:00.003-05:00

You watch one funny clip of a lady freaking out at an airport. Suddenly you find yourself following links and you end up on a trip down memory lane. From 2006, we revisit a classic:

Bus Uncle:

A Happy Ending To An Airport Story

2009-02-16T11:16:00.003-05:00

This poor woman missed her flight out of Hong Kong International Airport. As you can see, she was quite devastated.

The story, however, does have a happy ending. After her tirade she was put on a private plane and flown back to her home in China, where she was met by members of the Red Army and promptly shot in the head.

Her family was charged thirty-five cents for the bullet.

TIG Breaks The Gross Food Ban

2009-02-16T10:58:00.002-05:00

Okay, I know a few weeks ago I promised no more gross food posts. But I think this one falls more under humorous than gross. Plus there is no disgusting photo to go along with it.

From USA Today...enjoy:

KIEV, Ukraine — A Ukrainian candy company has begun marketing what may be the stickiest, richest and most fattening treat on the market: pure pork fat covered in chocolate. Cracking open a finger-sized stick of ''Fat in Chocolate'' reveals exactly that: a vein of white fat. The dark chocolate product pokes fun at the traditional Ukrainian snack of salo, or salted pork fat, usually consumed with vodka and pickles.

Car Accident Screws Freak

2009-02-16T10:23:00.004-05:00

Creepy woman and general freak Lee Redmond was totally screwed recently when her world record fingernails were broken off in an automobile accident.

Redmond, in a desperate cry for help and attention, had not trimmed her nails since 1979. While Guinness had declared them a world record, most referred to them as "gross".

In total her nails measured over 28 feet. The longest one being on her right thumb coming in at just under 3 feet.

Even without her disturbing nails Ms. Redmond is still in the running for 2009's "Creepiest Old Lady" award. In addition, she is still the world record holder for "funkiest poonany".

The Bang's Top 5: The Stimulus Package And You

2009-02-16T09:22:00.003-05:00

WOOT! WOOT! That's the sound of the money train coming to town. And Engineer Obama is bringing it right to your wallet.

I know there is a lot of wailing and nashing of teeth regarding the stimulus package. People are worried that money is just going to be given to the rich guys who got us into this mess or used to support the perverted arts.

But never fear, The Bang has your back with the top five ways the stimulus package will affect you.

Your welcome.

5) Tax Breaks- If you have kids you could get up to a grand per kid. If you're sending a kid to college you'll get some kind of tax break. Poor families with three or more kids will qualify for an earned income tax credit.

Personally, I say we should put these kids to work. Imagine the taxes we collect on their income and don't forget the spike in sales taxes from all the extra candy we'd be selling. For those of you without kids, look at it this way- at least its just a tax break and we're not wasting any spending on kids.

4) Schools- Are you muthafucking kidding me? $54 billion for schools and another $25 billion for No Child Left Behind? Fuck that, leave the kids behind, they're holding back the rest of us.

3) National Debt- The $790 billion stimulus package is going to jack up the debt big time. Luckily for us, we can pass that on to the kids. And like I always say- Fuck your kids. I'd still rather slap that crying kid at the grocery store, but sticking him with this bill is somewhat satisfying.

2) The Environment- $9.2 billion for clean up projects and $7.2 billion to the EPA. The clean up projects will include sealing up mines that are on public lands. Instead of spending that money to close them up, leave them open. For every kid that gets lost in one that's less money we have to spend on schools and tax cuts for breeders.

The EPA is going to use $800 million to seal up leaking gas storage tanks at hazardous waste sites. So, we have an eight hundred million dollar gas leak problem and we are currently not doing anything about it?

1)Food Stamps- People who get food stamps will now be getting more money. And they'll be eligible to get it for a longer period of time. I'm not against this program, but could the rest of us get something out of the deal? Maybe people on food stamps have to spend their Saturdays doing yard work for people in the neighborhood? Is that too much to ask- mow a few lawns for your groceries? Could you at least tell your kids to stop being so loud in front my house?

As you can see, the stimulus adresses America's children and ensuring their future. Now, while I'm not in favor of giving all this money to these kids I do understand the reasoning. The Democrats aren't going to be in charge forever and we're going to need a lot of poor kids to fight in the wars the next Republican president decides to start.

Nicely played Mr. Obama.

Super Porn!

2009-02-07T22:43:00.004-05:00

Comcast customers in Tucson got a special treat late in Super Bowl 43. With about three minutes left in the game a clip from a porn movie interrupted the Super Bowl and played for about 30 seconds.

Awesome.

According to Comcast they don't know how many people were affected by the free porn but the Arizona Daily Star says it appears to have been in the thousands as the paper was flooded with phone calls from angry fans immediately following the incident.

An aside- why are viewers calling the newspaper instead of the cable company? I supposed the Daily Star has no idea how many people didn't get their paper this morning? According to Comcast...13.

In response to the incident Comcast is offering a $10 credit to subscribers whose enjoyment of the game was ruined by the porn scene. Ten bucks? Won't somebody yell 'please think of the children'?

The same ten dollars will be credited to subscribers who were not bothered by or even enjoyed the porn scene. That doesn't seem fair at all.

The FCC fined CBS a record $550,000 after singer Janet Jackson briefly bared her breast during the 2004 Super Bowl halftime show.

TIG's Top "Goodies" From The Stimulus Package

2009-02-06T15:57:00.003-05:00

Washington is all a-twitter regarding President Obama's stimulus package. Democrats love the package because it is being proposed by a president who has a (D) after his name. Republicans have grave reservations about the package for several reasons, the main ones being:

1) It isn't there idea.

2) It wastes taxpayer's money in ways that are different from the way they would waste taxpayer's money.

3) DAMN DEMMYCRATS

So as a public service The Bang has gone through the package for you and picked out the five most wasteful provisions.

You're welcome.

5) The James Traficant Hairpiece Museum- Former Congressman James Traficant was expelled from congress for taking bribes, racketeering, filing false tax returns and making his aides work on his farm. He is also the owner of the worst hairpiece in history.

He looks like Dick Cheney if Cheney walked around trying to balance a bird's nest on his head. Current Ohio Senator Sherrod Brown (D) feels that the federal government should put up $15 million dollars to memorialize Traficant's hairpiece, along with other historic wigs at a museum in Akron.

4) "Terrible Towel" Preservation- Senator Arlen Specter (R) Pennsylvania is the man behind this $9.5 million project. According to Mr. Specter America's Terrible Towels are dangerously frayed and faded and only a concerted effort by the federal government can preserve these majestic stadium accoutrements.

3) Perverted Arts Funding- $7.9 million for funding the perverted arts. From Rep. Joe Baca:

"One person's 'feces on a oil painting of the Virgin Mary' is another person's 'Birth Of The Cool' and vice versa."

2) Study On Government Waste- Senator Jeff Sessions (R) Alabama is behind this study which would look at ways the government wastes money. The study would then go to a blue ribbon commission who would present a report to congress on the findings. The overall cost of the project would be $1.8 billion dollars. The printing of the reports alone should create 17,000 jobs.

1) Congressional Pay Raise- Proposed by Joe Lieberman, the pay raise would go into effect immediately. Each member of congress would receive a check for $175,000 after signing the bill, as a reward for all of their hard work in saving the country.

Many are leery of Lieberman's motives as $175,000 is the exact cost of the jowl tuck he so desperately needs. In fact, earlier this year Lieberman asked for a raise in this amount since he was doing the job of two Senators- working on the Republican presidential campaign while still voting with Democrats in the Senate.

The Dregs of Facebook- 25 Things You Don't Know about George W. Bush

2009-02-06T10:43:00.004-05:00

Lately my Facebook games of Attack have been interrupted constantly by friends and fans posting their stupid "25 Facts About Me" notes and tagging me in them. Because I give a shit that you cry at the end of "Ghostbusters" and prefer vanilla ice cream over cod liver oil.

I've placed the updates on "ignore" and lived in blissful ignorance until this one came across my home page- 25 Facts about G W Bush. I thought I'd share them here with the world (along with his wycked kewl profile pic).

Enjoy .

25 Things Y'all Don't Know About Dubya

1) My biggest regrets in life are letting Sammy Sosa and Osama bin Laden get away.

2) I think every American should spend one day as President just get a feel for the difficulty of the job. A real day- not one of my Crawford Ranch "workdays".

3) People think that Dick Cheney is a mean old man. But underneath that crotchety demeanor beats the heart of a slave owner. Seriously, don't piss this guy off.

4) If I wasn't married to Laura I would totally put the moves on Nancy Pelosi.

5) In Europe, the further east you go, the worse smelling the leaders. Seriously, Ukraine, buy some soap.

6) There are no better people that the people of (insert your state here).

7) Believe it or not, in the 8 years I was president I didn't eat a taco. Everybody knows I'm a taco fiend but the first night in the White House Laura ordered one up, and she didn't like it at all. I was hoping for some when we went to Mexico, but Vicente Fox is a carnita man.

8) The last time I cried was the night Saddam Hussein died. I was alright but then my dad called. You could tell he was choked up and all he could say was "Thank You". Killing a world leader is a much better father/son moment than playing catch.

9) Nine

10) My dad had to call in so many favors over the past 8 years that it looks like Jeb will never get to be president.

11) Eleven.

12) For my second term I wanted to replace Cheney as VP with Toby Keith but was told that Toby Keith was "just" a country music singer. Yea, sure. In the way that tacos are "just" meat and cheese in a tortilla.

13) I believe that a man can never cum too soon. That's her problem, not mine.

14) Bill Clinton- Good Guy. Al Gore- Kind of a douche (get over it dude). John Kerry- Tremendous Boggle player. Barack Obama- Smells nice.

15) I'm confident in myself, but sometimes I wish I was more like Vlad Putin. That guy knows what he wants and does whatever it takes to get it. You know he offed a guy? Can you imagine if I had Keith Olbermann killed, how bad ass would that be?

16) Stones over Beatles, boxers over briefs and pie over cake. I love pie.

17) I'm a glass half full kind of guy. If I see a glass half full I'm gonna drink it, got in a lot of trouble that way back in the 70's.

18) My three best friends are Jesus, Laura and my mom.

19) Okay, now that I'm not running for office anymore- yes- I did do a ton of coke when I was younger, yes- all my previous oil ventures were funded by bin Laden and no- I did not kill that hooker.

20) When I flew in on that jet plane to declare "Mission Accomplished" I was totally trying to fire some missiles. Afterwards Andy Card told me they figured that would happen and had disabled the firing mechanism.

21) I never liked Karl Rove. Rove is the kind of guy who would steal a kid's lunch money. No, not when he was a kid, I'm saying now.

22) I used to let it upset me when people would say I was like Hitler. Then I read a book about Hitler and it turns out I'm nothing like him. Those people are either stupid or exaggerating.

23) I know I'm from Texas and I'm supposed to like country music, but give me Joan Baez anyday.

24) In my heart of hearts, I know I lost the 2000 election.

25) My favorite movie of all time is Evil Dead. Bruce Campbell cracks me up. I think he should've played me in that Oliver Stone movie.

PRAY!

2009-02-03T11:31:00.000-05:00

Marquette hoops promo video.

Yo, No Fun League! You Missed A Spot

2009-02-02T17:03:00.005-05:00

In the whole of sports there is nothing I hate more than the people in charge trying to suck the fun out of the games. It doesn't matter if it is teams cracking down on fans- like the University of Virginia not allowing signs at football games- or leagues cracking down on players when it comes to celebrations.

I can't count how many times during an NFL or NCAA Football game I've groaned and turned off the TV because of a 15 yard flag thrown for too much celebrating.

Hey kid, you just bootlegged 7 yards to win a big road game....ooops you tossed the ball in the air, that's 15 yards.

Look at that! A 73 yard touchdown reception. Great play, too bad you spiked the ball and gave all your teammates high fives. That's 15 yards.

The only one thing bothers me more than excessive celebration penalties in football is when leagues are inconsistent with their applications of the rules. Amazingly, these two pet peeves collided at the end of Super Bowl 43 with this:

What we see here is Steelers' wide receiver Santonio Holmes celebrating his game winning touchdown, while using the football as a "prop". This is strictly forbidden by the NFL and many a kickoff has been pushed back to the 15 yard line because of such atrocities. And it should have happened yesterday.

Let me say, I hate this penalty. It is probably one of the stupidest in all of sports. However, if you're going to call it all year, in games that nobody is watching, why are you going to let it slide in the biggest game of the year, with the whole world watching?

The NFL rule book is becoming more and more like the IRS Tax Code or the big book of NCAA violations- they throw something in for every one-time incident and now they've got an unwieldy clusterfuck of a manual that nobody could possibly know completely. Besides, as spotty as the refs were all year, do we really want them to be focused on how somebody is using a football after scoring a touchdown?

Keep the refs focused on the action on the field. Let somebody in the booth handle replays and just call down to the ref if there is a change. There are enough NFL officials at each game that we don't need to make the ref run off the field to watch the replay. As for borderline unsportsmanlike penalties, let the league office handle it on Monday with fines, no need to possibly alter the outcome of a game because somebody pretended a football was a grenade for 4 seconds after a touchdown.

TIG's Top 5 Call of Duty: World at War DLC Ideas

2009-02-02T11:52:00.005-05:00

BOOM!

Call of Duty: World at War is getting ready to make some off the chain Downloadable Content (DLC) available to fans of the WWII shooter. And this stuff is going to change the way gamers define DLC.

Considering that the downloadable content offered for previous Call of Dutys consisted of mere map packs, changing the way people look at DLC shouldn't prove difficult. But World at War executive producer Daniel Suarez is still being mysterious.

He tells MTV Multiplayer that the team has "potentially two, maybe three packs" planned for the fifth core Call of Duty title. Here at The Bang we decided to stir the pot and see what kind of groundbreaking DLC World at War could provide.

1) No Lag- For $9.99 players can download the No-Lag version of the online game. In this version, when you shoot or stab somebody they die. Currently, when shooting or stabbing a player has a 70% chance of the lag being so bad that the player they think they're killing is actually behind them.

2) Historical Figures- Instead of running around as generic soldiers players could download historical figures to play as. How fun would it be to see FDR whipping out an MP-40 and laying waste to some Tojos? How much better would you play if, instead of faceless Nazis you were lining up shots on Adolf Hitler? Take it even further- how much would you pay to play as Cotton Hill?

3) Clint Eastwood Story Mode- Since the single player storyline is so short give us another to work through. It would be directed by Clint Eastwood. All the characters would be grizzled veterans who never back down from a fight and would cut off their left nut for god and country. Oh, and they're all white.

4) Wacky Sound F/X Props- Comedy, they name is World War II. Instead of sneaking up and stabbing an enemy with a knife, you beat them to death with a rubber chicken. Instead of gun shots and tank blasts, fill the game with slide whistles and honking bike horns. In war, the first casualty doesn't need to be your sense of humor.

5) Go Nuclear!- For a three kill streak a players unlocks radar. At 5, an artillery attack. At 7, dogs. This is World War II baby! At 20 kills give us a nuclear attack! Americans only of course.

Twenty minutes ago if you had told me I was going to come up with 5 ways to make a great game greater, well I would have told you that you were crazy. Looking over this list, I couldn't put a price tag on DLC that was this ground breaking and hard hitting.

Super Bowl Fun Facts

2009-02-02T10:00:00.007-05:00

Another Super Bowl has come and gone and the NFL has proven, once again, that it is the premier sports league in America and that football (American, of course) is the premier sport in the world.

That said, let's take a look at some interesting fun factoids that you may not have known in regards to the universe's greatest championship game.

Steelers QB Ben Roethlisberger became the first Powerpuff Girls fan club member to be a two-time Super Bowl champion. Previous fan club members with one Super Bowl win include, Peyton Manning, Marshall Faulk and Randy Cross.
Americans consumed more pounds of chicken wings on Super Bowl Sunday than the entire southern hemisphere will consume the rest of the year.
T-shirts and hats proclaiming the Arizona Cardinals as World Champions will not be destroyed. Rather they will be collected and sent to poor and destitute people whose lives have been shattered by the mistakes of the Bush Administration. Look for the merchandise to arrive in New Orleans by the end of the week.
Unlike the last time he was on the field during an NFL game, New York Jets legend Joe Namath was not drunk. However, he did admit that he was "struggaling" not to kiss Steelers CEO Dan Rooney.
John Madden has now provided color commentary for 15 Super Bowls. Yesterday's was the first in which an entire quarter wasn't spent talking about Turducken.
Over 20 million dollars was lost by gamblers yesterday. While that number might seem high Super Bowl gambling is still considered a better investment than your 401k.

Dear MSNBC: Nothing Is More Serious Than Nazi Zombies

2009-01-29T11:46:00.000-05:00

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

Great Security Guys

2009-01-19T13:27:00.003-05:00

See, when Obama was elected, this is exactly what I was worried about- America going soft on security. Check out this video from the Marquette/Providence game this weekend:

How the hell does a guy just walk on to the court like that? And nobody stops him! He just walks up to the ref and starts jawing at him. The only person there to stop him is a 12 year old girl.

If McCain was being sworn in this week do you think a 12 year old girl would be heading up security at a Big East basketball game? Hell no, there'd be some 4-star General in charge. With a nickname like "Blood N Guts" or "Hardtack".

Now, if some bozo, with no planning whatsoever, can just waltz onto a basketball court what do you think the freedom loathing America haters can do with their network of spies and evil-doers?

Be afraid people, be very afraid.

Mets To Fans: "We Aren't Even Trying"

2009-01-13T15:51:00.003-05:00

The New York Mets are moving into brand new Citi Field this summer and, in accordance with the times we live, they have added a commemorative patch to their uniforms for the season.

To the left is that patch.

No mention of the team.

No mention of the new stadium.

2009: The Inaugural Season...of...Something.

Apparently instead of hiring a graphic artist to create a patch for them the Mets just went to Gary's Discount Patch Emporium and grabbed a handful of whatever was left in the "Inaugural Season" bin.

I would be shocked is this were any other team but the Mets. No other big money team in sports continually screws things up more royally than the Mets. It's bad enough that they always have to play little brother to the Yankees but it's as if they go out of their way to make themselves look as stupid as possible.

"Hey, Barry Bonds is a free agent next year, but we'll sign Bobby Bonilla this year."

"Vince Coleman! YES! We'll build around team speed!"

"Fuck Tom Seaver, he's done!"

In fact, the more I think about it, the more this patch is perfect for the Mets. It's bland and pointless, they probably paid a lot for somebody to come up with it and it is completely worthless. Just like Bobby Bonilla.

How does this make it to the public? At no point in the process nobody stood up and protested? Not one person had the balls?

"Hey guys. This makes us look like a bunch of fools with too much money who have no clue as to what we are doing."

The Mets in a nutshell.

The Bang's NCAA Top 5 Final

2009-01-09T23:14:00.004-05:00

Well another college football season is in the books and once again we're left without a clear champion. Purple "Participant" ribbons for everybody!!

Having given you a Top 5 all year long The Bang feels obligated to give its readers some closure. As if you cared.

5) TCU- I know, I know, they lost to Oklahoma. Yea, well Oklahoma lost to Texas and still "won" the Big 12 South.

4)Texas- Whaddya want from me Longhorns? You lost to Texas freakin' Tech. Yes, I heard about the last second touchdown and the dropped interception. But guess what, those things still happened. You lost. Sorry.

If it makes you feel better I feel you should've played in the Big 12 title game instead of the Sooners.

3) USC- The Trojans only loss this year was to Oregon State. Oregon State had been blown out by Penn State earlier in the season. Penn State was later blown out by USC in the Rose Bowl. Therefore, USC is laying a claim to the National Title. Somehow. Perhaps August Mobius declares his own national champ?

2)Florida- You lost to Ole Miss. C'mon, get over it. No team who loses to Ole Miss can be crowned national champs. If it ain't in the rule book, it should be.

1) Utah- Hey, they won all their games in the de facto playoff. Therefore, they are the national champs. Of course there are the excuses:

They didn't play a tough schedule!

Then you should've put them in the title game against Florida or Oklahoma. What's that? The game would've been a blowout? You mean they wouldn't have been as competitive as Ohio State the last two years?

Also, they did beat three Top 15 teams this year, including TCU. Oh, and they also beat Oregon State, but that doesn't matter, because anybody could beat Oregon State.

They only beat Alabama because the Crimson Tide weren't up for the game.

Really? This counts as a reason? So if Alabama claims they weren't up for the SEC Title game we won't count that win for Florida?

Perhaps this is the only way to find a champ this year. Go to all the teams with one loss and see who wasn't up for that game. Whoever was the least up for the game is the national champion.

If only somebody would invent some why for athletic teams to compete against each other to decide who is the best. There must be some way all the teams could play until they were all knocked off but one.

But who am I kidding? No such system exists or could ever exist. That would be crazier than the undefeated New England Patriots not being declared the champion of the NFL.

Gross Food Oneupsmanship

2009-01-09T23:10:00.001-05:00

When The Bang first started scouring the world wide interwebs for disgusting recipes it was merely for information/warning purposes. Some readers have taken it as a challenge filling The Bang's social pages and email with pictures of various disgusting concoctions and threats of casseroles.

TIG is left with no choice but to return fire. We are moving to end game, no more gross recipes. Ladies and gentlemen, I present Baby Mouse Wine...

Drink up friends and please, let's all agree to stop searching for the grossest foodstuffs. I think we can all agree there is plenty of horrible recipes and disgusting things being eaten in the world and we do not need to be aware of each and every one of them.

Worst Christmas Present Ever

2009-01-07T20:30:00.000-05:00

It was a few weeks late, but my Christmas present finally arrived from ESPN. I must say, I'm very very disappointed, although it could be payback for my naming ESPN's hometown of Bristol "The Worldwide Leader In Date Rape". Whatever the reason, I must say I was profoundly disappointed and disturbed when I opened my present to find this...

Worse than the Bronze Fonz and Chachi Hibachi put together- we have the Dick in a box.

I'm just going to give a preemptive apology to whoever ends up getting this on the re-gift.

ESPN Knows Why You Watch Sports

2009-01-07T15:00:00.005-05:00

You hate sports. You can't stand watching sports, attending sports is a waste of money and following sports is a huge waste of time.

ESPN, The World Wide Leader In Sports, knows this and they want to help. They know you watch sports just to listen to people talk about sports. The announcers are the show, the presentation is the thing and so tonight ESPN is having professional blowhard Dick Vitale work the NBA game between the Heat and the Nuggets.

...

Oh, by the way, Dick Vitale is ESPN's COLLEGE BASKETBALL announcer. HEY-YO!! Now that is a hook!

Personally, I hate basketball. College or pro, I have no interest. But damn, you tell me a guy who normally announces college games is going to do a pro game and I just have to watch. You can't keep me away.

Imagine the excitement in the air, the thrill for the players! Dick Vitale will be watching them play. You think that doesn't get Dwyane Wade going then you don't know the power of Vitale.

So set your DVRs and VCRs because history will be made tonight. ESPN will be showing hoops, but with different announcers!!!

What Is This?

2009-01-04T21:17:00.005-05:00

While touring the internet in search of the absolute worst in food I have come across what has to be the most disgusting thing ever:

In theory, melon mousse might not be disgusting. It could be a nice refreshing palate cleanser or even a light dessert for a warm summer's evening.

In theory.

In reality it looks like a lump of spam.

That has been eaten.

Then digested.

And shit out. Then mixed with more spam.

Then formed into a disgusting blob of what can only be described as bleech.

My main question looking at this is; why? Like I said, in theory this could work. But once you made it, and it looked like...this, why would you serve it to humans?

Why would you admit to doing it and for God's sake why would you take pictures of it and try to share the recipe with somebody else?

There are only two legitimate explanations to the existence of Melon Mousse. One, this is a weight watchers card and in the 70's the key to weight watchers was to make food so disgusting that you would want to eat put it in your mouth.

Or, more realistically, somebody who knows me invented a time machine, went back in time and got in on the ground floor of Weight Watchers for the sole purpose of creating these disgusting foods for me to find online in the future.

I just hope this person stops this madness before somebody actually attempts to prepare and consume these recipes.

Holiday Meal Ideas

2008-12-29T08:54:00.004-05:00

The Bang has a simple rule about recipes- Nothing with casserole in the name is going to be any good. It is a well known fact that casserole is merely Hungarian for "throw that in there".

Once a person has decided on making a casserole there are two ways to go that will elicit two different responses.

1) Add something gross. This takes the focus off the nastiness of the casserole and puts it on the disgustocity of the ingredients.

"You made a beet and turnip casserole?"

2) Add something awesome. This takes the focus off the casserole and places it more on the culinary atrocity you've perpetrated.

"You made a prime rib casserole?"

Either way, a crime against humanity has been committed. There is only one way to avoid prosecution for such crimes- confuse the jury. This recipe does this perfectly by adding the word czarina to the title.

Now, instead of complaining about a casserole or wondering why they're eating cabbage and toast your guests will be caught up in the wonderment of the word czarina.

What does it mean?

How does it relate to this dish?

You've gotten rid of all you excess cabbage and toast and your guests will be too intrigued to do anything but eat the dish in silence.

But you're still a dick for serving it to humans.

The Bang Sabatoges Favre's Playoff Push

2008-12-29T06:55:00.004-05:00

Earlier this year it was reported that Brett Favre had called the Lions prior to their first game with Green Bay and told the coaching staff everything they would need to know to beat the Packers.

The Lions lost 48-25.

To return the favor The Bang called the Miami Dolphins this week and decided to give them all the information they'd need to beat Favre and the Jets.

1)Be patient.

2)Wait for Favre to do something stupid.

Three Favre interceptions later and the Dolphins are going to the playoffs. In true Favre fashion one of those touchdowns was a stupid throw that was returned for a touchdown just before halftime. Those seven points where the final margin of victory.

The game was an exclamation point on an epic collapse by the Jets this season. With 5 games left to play the Jets were 8-3 and coming off back to back road wins against the Patriots and the previously undefeated Titans. They lost 4 of their last 5, three of those losses to bottomfeeders Denver, San Francisco and Seattle.

The west coast was particularly brutal to the Jets this year as they went 0-4 in the time zone, losing to San Diego and Oakland in addition to the Seahawks and Niners. Not a winning record in the bunch. The AFC East was given an amazing gift this season with 8 games against the two worst divisions in football.

The Jets went 3-5 in those games. The other three teams in the AFC East went 20-4 against those same teams. I'm sure Jets fans will have a great winter knowing that a loss to the Seahawks kept them out of the playoffs.

Hopefully Brett retires this season, we can stop listening to announcers kiss his butt and we can remember him for his truly great seasons in Green Bay. If he does come back we can all have fun sitting back and waiting for him to do something stupid.

Why I Don't Want To Own A House

2008-12-28T09:00:00.000-05:00

Reason number one on my list of not wanting to buy a house- neighbors. The last thing I want to do is sink a ton of money in a new house and get stuck next to this asshole.

Billy Powers, who I will call Johnny Van Christmas, builds a huge fucking snowman in his front yard every year. He's been asked to stop because neighbors are sick of all the traffic it brings to the street. Also, they probably don't want to live next door to a 25 foot snow man.

Mr. Van Christmas has, in the past, been told to no longer build what he refers to as Snowzilla. This year, Mr. Van Christmas claims to have nothing to do with the monstrosity. It "just somehow happened" on his front lawn.

According to the city, he has been a pain in their ass for quite some time.

The mayor's office says Johnny Van Christmas appears to run a large junk and salvage operation from his home. He has violated land use codes for 13 years, the city said. He owes the city more than $100,000 in fines and other assessments.

Here at The Bang we aren't about assessing blame, we're about offering solutions. Since Mr. Van Christmas has no idea how Snowzilla came to being this year I suggest a neighbor pay Johnny a visit. With a blunt object. Repeatedly to the head. And when asked about what happened the neighbor can smile and wink and tell the police:

"I don't know about the incident. Johnny Van Christmas just somehow happened to be bludgeoned to death."

TIG's Worst Game Of The Year

2008-12-27T22:28:00.004-05:00

Congrats to Treyarch and Activision for delivering to us Call of Duty: World at War, a video game with so many glitches, flaws and problems that we have no choice but to dub it the worst game of the year.

Now, if you've played the game you might think that designating worst game of the year is a bit harsh. And I'll admit, if this was the first game in the Call of Duty series and it was just starting out with online play I probably wouldn't call it the worst game of the year.

But that isn't the case. World at War is coming out a year after Infinity Ward and Activision brought us Call of Duty: Modern Warfare, by far the best game of 2007. Treyarch's World at War merely took the Call of Duty series back to World War II and made almost no changes to the game play. Changed the guns, changed the uniforms but that was about it- any place that improvement could have been made it wasn't and there were problems added on top of the few that already existed in Modern Warfare.

In true TIG fashion, we have the Top 5.

5) Too many levels, not enough bonuses- Modern Warfare had 55 ranks to go through online. Each time you went up you unlocked a weapon or a perk or new challenges. World at War has 65 ranks, but didn't really add any new bonuses. Unlocking two challenges hardly seems like a reward for your promotion.

4) Lag- Sometimes you get into a game and when you shoot a guy he dies. Most of the time you get into a game and you unload a clip into him, only to have him turn around and stab you. Luckily Treyarch kept the "kill cam" on so you can see how you died each time.

"Oh, I see what happened, I was shooting where I thought the guy was and he was two feet to the left, and stabbing me. Also, my submachine gun was firing at the rate of a bolt action rifle."

3) Post match report- Uhm...it doesn't exist on the Playstation 3. I'm sorry, it does exist, it is there physically, it just contains no information. Since the day it has come out your post match report has been filled with nothing but zeroes.

2) Can I get in a game?- Log in, pick the game you want to play. Wait. And wait. Then you get put in a room, but you're the only player in the room. And you will always be the only player in the room.

I've left my game alone for 30 minutes while I checked email- when I came back I was still the only player in the room, waiting for 5 more players to start a game.

There are 80 thousand people online playing, why am I in a room alone waiting for five more players?

1) Mystery of the disappearing stats- I had fought through the lag, ignored the post match report and finally worked my way up in rank. I had unlocked the perks and weapons I had been waiting for and then, as I entered a game, I was suddenly knocked down to private.

None of my unlocked weapons were available.

None of my unlocked perks were available.

I had no points. However, all the challenges I had completed were still marked as "Done", so I wouldn't be able to earn those points as I tried to work my way back up from private.

This is, of course, if I were to keep playing this game.

Fuck you Treyarch. You suck balls. Huge donkey balls.

Justice For Baby Hitler

2008-12-19T14:35:00.004-05:00

Proving that it is possible to have your cake and hate a jew, Baby Hitler finally got his birthday cake. Congrats. You can see it all in what has to be the most poorly edited news report in history:

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

Now that the furor (Fuhrer?) is over here are a few questions about this whole incident:

1) Did the guy at the end of that video really just compare Hitler to Jesus Christ?

2) Freedom of expression- Yes you have the right to freedom of expression, but that freedom can't compel somebody else to do something for you. In this case- Adolf Hilter Campbell's dumbass parents have the right to make an Adolf Hitler cake. They do not have the "right" to have one made for them at a store.

3) Who puts a fucking middle name on a birthday cake?

4) Who would've guessed that a Nazi would let his son run around looking like a girl? Adolf Hitler is probably rolling over in his grave.

5) Why doesn't the news clip spend more time letting the parents talk? "It hurts." Is all we get from them.

It hurts.

Really? And I should care about your hurt feelings? When you named your kid Adolf Hitler, did you take other people's feelings into consideration?

6) How fitting that Wal-Mart made him a cake. Get used to Wal-Mart Lil' Adolf, I see a lot of it in your future.

7) For the rest of this kid's life, I will pay anybody a dollar who punches him in the face. There is a limit of 1 dollar paid out per day. You must provide video, with sound, of the incident to receive your dollar.

8) Am I going to see this same story when he dies?

"Adolf Hitler Denied Tombstone".

Shit, am I going to have to see this same story every few years?

"Adolf Hitler Denied Marriage License".

"Adolf Hitler Denied Diploma".

"Adolf Hitler Kills Parents: Legally Changes Name to Rosa Parks."

TIG's Top 5 Conspiracy Theories Of All Time

2008-12-19T12:15:00.004-05:00

After yesterday's BK Flame induced theory regarding the illuminati and their conspiracy to give the entire world heartburn through novelty cologne, we here at The Bang thought it would be a good day to look at conspiracies.

What makes a good conspiracy theory? First, it should involve people or groups of people who don't exist or whose power is overblown. Seven Jew Bankers, step right up.

Second, it must be a theory- meaning it hasn't been proven true or false. Therefore the idea that President Bush is a Nazi agent bent on world domination is not a conspiracy theory.

Lastly, the more people involved in a conspiracy theory, the more fun it is. Let's get started.

5) The Illuminati and Ralph Nader are working together to keep Jello Biafra from getting the Green Party presidential nomination- That can be the only explanation, right?

4) The Rat Pack was behind 9/11- According to this theory Dean Martin found a time machine in the basement of the Sands Casino in 1962. Disgusted with the declining popularity of "crooning" Frank Sinatra and his crew went into the future and masterminded the 9/11 plot. While in 2001 Sinatra saw an advanced screening of "Ocean's 11". He decided to travel back to 1958 and make the original "Ocean's 11".

3) "The Jews" lobbied McDonald's to stop carrying the McRib- What other reason could there be for the disappearance of the McRib? The McRib is tasty. The McRib is pork. Therefore the McRib is a tremendous temptation to those of the Jewish faith. Therefore it had to be eliminated.

Note: When I say "The Jews" I'm not talking about all Jews. That would be ridiculous. I'm only talking about the small group jews in the Jewish Cabal that rules the world.

2) Disneyland is used by the government to hide the existence of aliens- In 1953, in an orange grove in California, 75 people witnessed a UFO crash. Over the next 4 months all of them were systematically "eliminated" by the US Government. In 1954, on the same spot of that crash, Disneyland opened. Two miles underneath "Main Street, USA" the government maintains a laboratory that, to this day, is still studying the UFO that crashed.

The government convinced Walt Disney to take part in the conspiracy by threatening to have him black listed as a communist.

1) The members of the band Rage Against The Machine are all Free Masons and responsible for most of the global atrocities of the last 20 years- Listening to the lyrics of America's foremost angry young men you wouldn't get the idea that they were members of the world's evil shadow government. But guess what, this theory says they are.

Guitarist Tom Morello went to Harvard- a gateway to these types of Free Mason relationships. Rwanda, Serbia, Darfur- Rage's fingerprints are all over each. An advanced version of this theory has them working with the Rat Pack to not only mastermind 9/11 but also working with them in the studio to release a Crooner/Rap/Metal cd that was made available only to Free Masons.

Lighten Up, Francis!

2008-12-18T16:35:00.004-05:00

While poking around for weird news I came across this story about the new Burger King body spray (yes you read that right), Flame.

The article is rather unremarkable, save for the photo at the right, discussing the usual stupid marketing campaign, what it smells like blah blah blah nobody cares.

Then, at the end of the story, there is a piece that pretty much sums up everything that is wrong with this country. The reporter goes out for reaction to the cologne (reaction to a cologne?) and finds Mike G.

I'm just going to let Mike G. speak for himself.

"I would not wear it out of principle," said 23-year-old Mike G., after seeing the slim silver package sporting art of a flaming heart. "It's from Burger King. I would never wear a cologne from a fast-food restaurant. It actually angers me slightly. I mean, the packaging says heartburn — what are they trying to say?"

Hey, Mike G., calm the fuck down. You're not going to wear a joke cologne "out of principle". What principle is that? That lifelong principle you have that says you won't wear joke cologne? That you'll never intentionally smell of meat? Stay strong brotherman.

I love how you can feel the indignation- I would never wear a cologne from a fast-food restaurant. Mike G. only wears cologne that has been properly vetted by the masters of the smell industry.

FUCK YOU BURGER KING!!! WE ARE ANGERED SLIGHTLY AND WE SHALL NOT WEAR YOUR COLOGNE...

OUT OF PRINCIPLE!

Plus, the packaging says heartburn. Mike G. picks up on this and begs the question What are they trying to say? Clearly it wouldn't be another joke to go along with the overall absurdity of a fast food restaurant releasing a cologne. It must be part of some bigger, illuminati type conspiracy.

The illuminati must be working with Burger King, Dick Cheney and the Seven Jew Bankers at the center of the earth to give people heartburn through novelty cologne.

Well guess what? Not on Mike G.'s watch you ain't.

No Birthday Cake For Baby Hitler

2008-12-17T13:02:00.005-05:00

Wow! That's all I can say about this.

Heath Campbell, who isn't a racist, is mad because a ShopRite won't put his kid's full name on a birthday cake. The child's name?

Adolf Hitler Campbell.

That's little Adolf right there. Cute kid, it's a shame that people are so wrapped up in the whole Hitler thing that they'll ruin a child's birthday over their own mental shortcomings.

I'll let Heath, who is not a racist, explain.

"A name's a name. The kid isn't going to grow up and do what (Hitler) did."

Exactly. I can say with almost 100% certainty that this child will not be responsible for the death of 11 million people in concentration camps. Why the rest of you can't see that is beyond me.

Campbell, who is not a racist, has previously tried to order cakes decorated with swastikas from ShopRite, according to Karen Meleta, a spokeswoman for ShopRite.

When asked about the order Meleta gave a standard answer that ShopRite "reserves the right to blah blah blah". But in her eyes, you could see that she thought Campbell was not only a dickhead, but also a racist.

Campbell, who assures us he is not a racist, says that several mixed race children attended Lil' Adolf's party and none of them were killed. Do you know why? Because he's not a racist!

Also upset by ShopRite's stance where Campbell's daughters- one year old JoyceLynn Aryan Nation Campbell and 8 month old Honszlynn Hinler Jannie Campbell. The latter, named after SS leader Heinrich Himmler was especially upset by ShopRite decision, angrily declaring "Goo-goo".

The entire situation has Campbell, who is not racist, questioning the values of this country that he loves so dear.

It has The Bang wondering why you have to pass a test to drive a car but any dipshit can have as many kids as he wants.

ESPN: Your Worldwide Leader In Sports

2008-12-17T12:54:00.003-05:00

Over lunch today I tuned into ESPN's First Take to see what was news in the sports world. I sat down to what I hoped was going to be an informative interview with Kentucky hoops coach Billy Gillispie.

After talking about what he eats for breakfast the geniuses at TWWL had Gillispie throw newspapers at a desk across the studio.

See, Gillispie was a paperboy when he was a kid, so it was important for those of us in the viewing audience to know if he could throw a rolled-up newspaper with distance and accuracy.

These are the things we care about. Which is why we all watch competitive newspaper delivery on television, instead of college basketball.

Could We Please Ignore This Man?

2008-12-11T14:00:00.004-05:00

The man in this picture is Joe The Plumber.

Joe is a complete moron who became famous during the last election for being a "common man". He decried Barack Obama as a Marxist during the campaign- something he wholeheartedly believed, not because of any studying he did on Marxism, but rather, because he heard Sean Hannity say it on talk radio.

The more he talked, the more it became obvious that he knew nothing. At a campaign stop for McCain he stated that the election of Barack Obama would mean the end of the state of Israel. When asked about the statement by Shepard Smith of FOX News Joe merely said that he wasn't going to explain it- the information was out there for people to find.

Smith then proceeded to denounce the statement and Joe on air. You read that right. Joe The Plumber listens to and parrots so much conservative talk radio that FOX NEWS mocked him live on the air... while he was a guest.

So why am I bringing this up now? Because Good Morning America had a "news" story today about how Mr. The Plumber was upset with John McCain's backing of the bailout plan. It made him so mad he almost got off the "Straight Talk Express" as soon as he learned about McCain's vote.

However, like most strong principled people, he kept his mouth shut and continued campaigning for McCain, who appeared to be backing the same socialist ideas that made Mr. The Plumber so fearful of Barack Obama.

The story went on to talk about how Joe felt betrayed blah blah blah. That the Republicans didn't provide any true conservatives for people to vote for. It was a moment of thought rarely seen from Mr. The Plumber.

Then, as if to remind us of his stupidity, the story closed with a quote from Mr. The Plumber, reminding us that he liked Gov. Sarah Palin. In fact, according to him, she was the "real deal". I guess if Joe is using uneducated, illiterate, talk radio listening boobs as his basis for realness, then yes, she is the real deal.

Perhaps Ms. Palin and Mr. The Plumber should be the republican ticket in 2012. First on the agenda, reforming the lost state of Israel.